State of the onion

Well, it looks like I might be able to handle this whole thing. But I will still be happier once they get to the college. I know they are having so much fun and experiencing life but I am after all, a mom, and safety comes first!

Donna has been pretty good about letting me know her whereabouts and talks with me nearly every day. I can't believe tomorrow will make a week. My instinct is to hurry through the next four months but I know there is much to be done and learned on a myriad of levels.

Keep me on the straight and narrow God. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus and before I know it, when I look up, it'll be time to pick them up from the airport.

Day 1 of my Bantu Death Wait/JK

Donna knows what this means, girls. Just ask her after she quits laughing.

So yesterday was one of the toughest days I've ever endured in my life. Now, to understand the tough day standings in the world of Mama J, let me explain. I've lived through these people dying; starting with the first one passing away when I was 9 yrs. old, in chronological order: my grandpa (paternal), father, sister, grandma (paternal), uncle/aunt/uncle (within 3 months of each other), grandpa (maternal), mother, and grandma (maternal), the last one died when I was 35. Let me tell you in all honesty, Donna's leaving was just as painful as any of those deaths, at least it was during yesterday.

I finally made a deal with God yesterday, late afternoon. Here's how it went, it's rather complicated so stay with me. Okay, ya ready? Okay, so God would let me be numb, not feel anything, so I could stop crying and what I would bring to the table was that I'd keep breathing. God took the deal and I kept my side of the bargain. I'm thinking God made out on this one. Not that I had intended on ending my life, it just hurt to exist and still does off and on throughout the day.

Today I woke up to my alarm ringing and instantly realized I had NOT received the promised call around 2 am letting me know they had arrived in England. 'So roight, I'll call her. Ummm, her phone is going straight to voice mail. Okay, now I go straight to panic mode. I'm on the computer checking out the American Airlines site to see if the plane landed or crashed. Donna called while I was in the process. All of the sudden my heart could slow and begin to beat normally; my baby girl is safe.

My day started rough at work, only because I was still so very rung out from yesterday's cryathon. Trepidatiously, I'm thinking I might make it, lest I get too confident. Since first contact this morning, Donna has called once more and texted me as well. I'll be talking through Skype with her my tonight/her morning.

While it is not all sunshine and butterflies today, I can at least talk about the whole thing with out bursting into tears. The tears are there, but I am able to keep them at bay. Yesterday, fugidaboudit, I couldn't go more than five minutes without crying-until I made my deal with God. And oh yes, I had been praying/begging for His/Jesus/Holy Ghost's help, mercy, grace, you name it, I asked for that type of help. God enjoys a good covenant and that one was a sure thing.

So, tomorrow I'll wake up, remember Donna's gone, hopefully only feel sad, maybe cry. But I know that I can make it as long as I pray and hold my breath. Okay, maybe not hold my breath, but deep breathing is definitely NOT on the menu for the next four months!

Father God,

I'm so glad I have You to lean on and to rely on. Please forgive anything that might have offended You during my story time, it was not my intent. I praise You and thank You for Your grace and mercy.

I love You Poppa God,

Amen

Who was that woman?

This morning-hectic, fraught with tension and worries was a comedy of errors, where the laughs fell flat. Breakfast was on the agenda but no one was very hungry for food. We were more hungry to scrape every morsel of time with our girls that we could pry loose and savor.

The airport parking was a major surprise, but the tenacious were rewarded. Checking the bags and getting checked in was a pain but finally sorted. Donna got a break on her overweight bag (I swear we weighed it last night and it was under 50 lbs.) and was not charged for those 2 extra pounds.

Then we got to relax in McDonald's for 40 minutes until we had to say our good byes. How did the time from my begrudgingly agreeing that "Yes, God, I'm ready to stop praying they don't go." to the flight today go so incredibly fast? I've kept telling myself since yesterday, it's not possible that she'll be gone for four whole months. What am I going to do?

Letting go of the girls was so very hard. Letting go of the tears was so very easy. Stopping the flow, not so easy. Rivers of tears have been cried already and I fear I have oceans more in me yet to be released. It's times like this that I wish I was more pragmatic and cold. Feeling this much is just too painful, like a raw wound splashed with salt water, it sears.

Abba God, I can't even begin to imagine the agony you felt for your Son, cut off from You as Jesus hung from the cross, unable to help or even acknowledge Him until He died. Because as horrible and helpless as I feel now, how much more magnified was Your pain. Teach me God, to rely on You, Jesus be my shelter and comforter, Holy Spirit, lift my head when I cannot.

You gave me a life-line with Cyndi and Lori, my partners in this four month wait. I know (in my mind) our daughters started their day as girls. But they didn't climb on the plane that way. Let me tell you a little tale. When I was pregnant with Jo, Donna was still a baby (eighteen months). She remained a baby to me until I walked back through our door with Jo. Magically, the daughter I had left less than 24 hours before had become a big girl. She hadn't changed from the two year old I left, but my perception of her had. Today, when Donna walked through that metal detector and came through the other side, she magically became a young adult woman; confident and capable just as she has been raised to be. Not because she hasn't been that for awhile, but it takes her leaving me to realize that.

Okay, it's time. I have to blow my nose, pull up my socks, and get a grip. Otherwise, the next four months are going to be excruciating and I still have a daughter and husband at home who need me. Not the mental me I've been for the last week, but the one who can "hang" in the toughest of times. I'll just pray and pray, wait for the Troika to come home, and let God teach me what it is I need to learn. All I can say is that it must be a humdinger.

That's not the wind whistling by!

So I had a great time last weekend. Our family spent the day at Silver Strand with Heather's family and friends. We ate, played Boggle, ate, talked, ate, walked in the surf, ate, played volleyball, ate, sat around the fire, and ate some more. Then Sunday was church, shopping with Donna, Heather, and Cyndi for shoes (it was C's bday) and then a movie.

Good times.

But this is week is flying by waaaaay too fast, hurtling me towards a very difficult Wednesday next week. I keep thinking, "Next Wednesday they go!" in the idle mental moments at work when I'm doing something that takes no thought process at all. I can only hope that the time that Donna is gone moves equally as fast. My logic keeps telling me that it's only four months and then she'll be home, but my heart is unwilling to listen. It is such a stubborn thing, prone to bruising easily and, quite frankly, just as easily torn in two.

Donna, pray for me as I pray for you. Pray God's will for me, that I would hear his voice whispering words of comfort while you are gone. That this season of departure would help me grow closer, to rely, and to seek Him more diligently.

I love you Bun, come back safe to me.

Wow-this hurts

I keep telling Donna I don't want to talk about her leaving because it will make me cry. But it really doesn't matter if we don't talk about it, I can't seem to quit crying about it anyway. The closer it gets the harder it is. So I need to pray, pray for peace about this, acceptance, contentment, and maybe even to feel the excitement and sheer joy my baby girl will know when she steps on terra firma of England. I need to pray for perspective, you are not going off to war or moving indefinitely (Les pointed that out to me) you are going away on an adventure with God and thank Him you will be coming back.

It's just so scary letting go, like letting you take those first few steps across the floor to your daddy, holding my breath that you wouldn't fall and crack your head. But your Abba Daddy will be holding your hand the whole way there and back, so I just need to relax and trust God, just trust God.

"Be still, and know that I am God"
Psalm 46:10

Amor

Donna is going on a trip to Mexico to finish building some houses this weekend, they call it an Amor trip. Four extremely long days of me worrying about her because she won't be able to call to say she's safe (no microwave towers). At least when she goes to York she can call or email.

Please pray that the group is bless by this mini mission and that everyone remains safe, healthy, uninjured, and has a great time.

Pray for me that I don't worry excessively, I'm gonna worry, it's just how much.

Thanks.