Off to School

Les just left for a hazmat refresher up in Port Hueneme, he'll be gone today and be back Friday night then off again Sunday and home for good on the 9th.  This coming weekend is his 50th birthday and I wanted to celebrate it with a party with all of his old friends but I'm glad the planning was not done since them sending him to this school came up literally, last week on Wednesday.  I would have been more than slightly peeved if it had ruined those plans.

Regardless, what this post is about is me missing him. We often spend week days and weekends interacting briefly after I get home from work, sometimes it totals no more than 45 minutes.  He is usually plugged into his computer by the time I get home.  I go back into my room to chill after spending quality time in the same room with him catching up on my facebook and email.  We may/may not eat together due to his hunger needs.  I know if I pushed it or nagged him we would spend more time but if it isn't where his heart is...  But I know he is a loner at heart and always has been.  Most of his pursuits have been a single player "sport".  But I know that he will miss me as well.

I'm such a big baby about stuff like this, always have been.  I'll just have to spend my time being productive about his birthday since I'll have all of this time to do it unfettered.  

It's just that well, he's my lobster.

It's the little things

I've actually done pretty well the last two days, no tears and even a spring in my step again. I'm no Little Mary Sunshine but I can't stay in a fugue for very long before I snap out of it.  I'm just not made that way.  God has everything to do with it.  It was as if I could feel Him reach down from heaven, tuck His finger under my chin, and lift my face toward Him to remind me all that I need is with Him and in His power.  I only cried a little bit reading Donna's blog today, just a teensy bit, then I sent a fervent prayer for comfort and it passed  quickly.

Donna will be getting up in a little bit to get started with helping get ready for her church Thanksgiving.  I know she and Aaron will have a wonderful day spent with plenty of people thrilled that they are there.  Donna is built like me, she blossoms in a large group setting, loves the energy of that type of gathering.  I used to have them to enjoy in the past, first during my childhood holiday gatherings with my family and my dad's then as a teenager with my mom's extended family.  As a young Navy wife we would gather all the stray singletons still in town during the holidays and had them come to our place for dinner with our other military family/friends.  When the girls were little we would spend them with my mom's brother and my cousins at their place.  But in the last 10 years since Les has retired, it has just been our little family and a couple of the kid's friends and/or their boyfriends.

It's just not the same as the big family or "family for now" gatherings that I've always enjoyed.  This year will be extra quiet without Donna and Aaron.  But somehow God has pulled it off and I'm actually excited about tomorrow and whatever it brings.  If you had asked me just this past Sunday I would have told you I'd prefer to just pull the covers over my head, hide out watching tv on my computer, eating junk food and crying until it passed.  But God has blessed me with a new perspective and while I can't quite rejoice that Donna and Aaron won't be here.  I am very happy that they will have a wonderful day with those that they are among.

I keep finding small silver linings each day to put in my "box of gratitude".  I don't actually have a box, but I think I might just make one and have the inaugural kick off tomorrow.  Then open it next year on Thanksgiving to see what made me grateful throughout the year.  I know I won't be so consistent as to get something in every day, I'm just not that good.

Anyway, I just thank you Lord, my loving Father, that you care enough for me to not let me suffer for too long before pulling me out of my misery to enjoy the gifts you have so lovingly lavished on me.  I just pray that I can continue to remember this every time I'm tempted to be ungrateful.

Even so, Father, it is good in Your sight.

Even so

Yesterday I couldn't do this but today I can.  Sometimes I think my grief over Donna moving to Germany is like being poisoned.  Each dose of the antidote helps me to recover, but I have to vomit it out to really get better. Yesterday was the worst of it, I know I will continue to have bouts, but at least today, I haven't cried about it even once.  A vast improvement really.

I really didn't want to go to church yesterday, I even toyed with the idea of telling Les I didn't feel like going knowing full well he would be totally on board and ready to skip it.  But the very fact that I seriously didn't want to go tipped me off that I really NEEDED to go.  It's always the way it works for me, the times I really don't want to, God has something important for me to hear that day in service.  This time was no different than the others.  Phil did a Thanksgiving sermon emphasizing the thanks, the gratitude that we should have towards God.  Even when we don't feel like it, even when we are at a point in life that there seems to be nothing to be grateful about. Even when we are the valley of the shadow of death (okay, that was just for dramatic effect-though true).  But you understand what I a driving at. Basically when we cannot find any redeeming value in the circumstances we find ourselves in "Even so, Father, it seemed good in Your sight." Luke 10:21  Meaning, we may not understand how this trial could ever possibly seem good not now, not ever.  God can.  God has the benefit of seeing time with a better vantage point than we do.  He can see the benefit of our experiences for the future understanding that the pain and anguish we feel now, will temper over time and allow us to see things differently, if not clearly, after it has all passed.

He said that being thankful during good times is easy.  The hard part is to be thankful during hard times and even to be thankful for the trials themselves.  That this time is a time of going through the Refiner's fire.  That in order to make us pure, we need to be heated up to melting (trials) so that the Refiner can scoop the impurities off the top and make us more pure.  I knew this already, I learned this when I was a baby Christian.  Somehow I either forgot it or was simply too blinded by my situation to remember it.  It has been a long time since I have had such a trial that it has brought me to my knees crying out "Abba, Father!".

That in itself is a blessing, that my life has been so good for so long.  Or that I have been so lax in my relationship with God that I wasn't walking closely enough with Him.  Either way the end result is I have now entered the fire and Lord knows, I'm starting to melt.

Even so, Father, it seems good in Your sight.

Going, Going, Gone

So they are gone, it is not as hard as when Donna went to York but in some ways it is more heart breaking.  York was for 4 1/2 months, literally, only God knows how long she will be gone this time.  I want to rejoice in the fact that God is using her so mightily and that she is so willing to follow where He would have her go. And I know that in time, I will be able to feel that first. But I will always miss her, I will always yearn to have her near me. It will always feel as if I am missing a limb.

I went to Michael's today to pick up some stuff and ended up in the yarn section, that's where Donna and I always ended up, looking at the different yarns and talking about projects we had started or wanted to start and how perfect a particular yarn would be for it.  It was all I could do not to cry, and in the end, I got out of there as fast as I could and cried most of the way home.  It's not just that store, it's a bunch of them, and this time of the year, knowing that all of the stuff we liked to do with each other is over and I'm left so alone now.  She totally understood how this time of year was so special to me because it is so special to her and she would share in the same delight I had planning our "thing" to give to our friends.  Now I am alone in this, Jo doesn't really care about the holidays and neither does Les.  They participate, but it has no special meaning or feelings of happiness for them. And for now, I feel that way too.

God, please help me to get over this grief, this feeling that I've lost a child to death, because that is the only way I can accurately describe how this affects me. I know that I will grow in this very shadowy valley, that this season will be used somehow in the future.  But for the moment, this knowledge is pretty cold comfort.

Sad

So we just got back from dropping Donna and Aaron off at Long Beach airport.  They fly to Germany by way of Atlanta.  I'm so glad that Aaron will get a chance to see his folks tomorrow, it's been a year and I know he misses them terribly.  They will get into Frankfurt, Germany on Monday at 7:40 am (Europe time).  I know that they will only be gone for two weeks and we get to pick them up on the Friday afternoon they get back, but we have Duncan, their kitty, and taking care of her daily will remind me that they are not here.

I know it is stupid and totally illogical, I don't get to see them except maybe once or twice a month now.  But, I know that it's the beginning of the clock ticking, the clock keeping time for when they go for good to Landstuhl.  I just can't seem to get behind this mission they are going on.  I know it's selfish and it's going to happen whether I want it to or not, but I just can't help myself.

There are a few people that get it, that understand just how heartbroken this makes me.  But the majority go on and on about how we can skype and how much God will use them and what a great opportunity for them to see Europe.  And my brain knows all of that, but my stupid soft heart just spasms in agony over the mere thought of it.

Perspective

Wow, I'm really melodramatic.  I mean REALLY melodramatic.  I still feel the way I did in my last post, but...I think God is working on my heart.  It's just two steps forward, one step back type of progress.

I do have more than one daughter who does want children as well.  And let's face it I'll mother/grandmother anyone who gets close enough in proximity and stands still long enough.  So, it won't be exactly my dream of having all of my grandchildren surrounding me all the time.  But it will be okay.

I'll figure it out with God guiding me, His plans are always some much better than mine anyways.

Thoughts of them leaving

Why is this so hard for me?  When I think about Donna and Aaron going to Germany permanently all I can do is feel, not think, at least not coherently. It's all emotion and tears, if I let it get that far.  I really try not to bring that thought up at all because when I do my eyes fill with tears and my chest starts to ache.  

Why can't I just be happy that they are doing something amazing?  My head wants to tell them words of encouragement and that I'm so proud of them.  That God had such incredible plans for them over in Germany and that they will bless others greatly and in turn He will bless them even more.

But I can't verbalize that because I guess that means I'm giving them my blessing, that it is okay to go across continents to live possibly for the rest of their lives.  And I just can't do that, it is so incredibly not.  I can't say that I'm okay with them never living at least near enough to me for it to be a relatively short plane ride away.  

It's more than me missing them (which is plenty, trust me).  It's seeing my dream of being a grandma that is close to my grandchildren burn and turn to ash before my very eyes.  It's been my life long dream, THE DREAM.   My dream to have if not daily contact with my grandkids, then at least weekly.  To watch them grow up and to not miss a bit of it.  And now I see it going up in a puff of smoke.

I'll be a stranger to them, they'll know that they have a grandma and grandpa that live in California in the US and that we live far, far away.  That we love them but just can't be near them.  They will know this because their parents will them them this and only because of that.  There will be no quiet times in the morning when they wake up and climb into my lap for me to cuddle them, inhale their sweet fragrance, and talk to them like I did their mom.  My heart breaks just writing this.

Just a short one

I've thought about blogging off and on and always opt not to.  I'm either in a hurry or simply lack the desire to put my lame thoughts down for all to see.  But I'd better get back into the habit of it again as I'm pretty sure Donna and Aaron are going to go to live in Germany for at least a year or two (or more).

I'm stymied, I have no idea what to do with this situation.  I know it is God's will, but I don't particularly like it.  At least this time I'm not actively praying for it not to happen, a futile effort, at best.  I just pray that God helps me through this, to figure out what I need to do to keep me sane.  All I have are great big hairy question marks at this time.  I can't figure out why my kid has to keep moving farther and farther away from me.

Well, now you know why I don't blog very often.

Old memories etched deeply

The father of a friend of mind who has been in home hospice from cancer passed away today.  In the beginning they were hopeful that the chemo and radiation would reduce the tumor so that they could remove it from his brain.  She sent me a text this evening to let me know that he had passed and asked me to pray for him.

I thought to myself that praying for him now is an exercise in futility.  What will happen has already transpired.  I don't know if he was saved, I'm pretty sure he was a Catholic, but I'm not positive if he wasn't born again.  Either way, I prayed for him, God rest his soul and the rest of my prayers went out to my friend and her family, those left in the wake of the loss.

Home hospice and cancer are something I have a certain expertise in.  And the news that her dad had passed flooded me with the memories of my mom's bout with, and ultimate loss to, cancer.  She was saved, so I will see her again, some day.  But the hard part of this particular journey is getting through the aftermath of their death.  It's a selfish emotion to want them to stay here, to remain with us when every breath is painful and death is blessed release.

God help me, I still sometimes wish Mom was still with us.  But hey, if you are gonna dream, dream big, I'd want her to be healed too.  I miss her so fiercely right now, it's almost as if her death was recent instead of nearly 18 years ago.  My heart is in a hard little knot, squeezed down, compressed into a diamond of pain.  And just like a diamond, the pain of losing her even yet is just as brilliant and capable of cutting glass.

I think of all of the wonderful things my children have not been able to experience with her.  How she never got to be there for the milestones in their lives. It makes my eyes flood with tears just thinking of her.  Normally I'm okay but this has really taken a hold of me.

I am so very grateful that I have Christ to comfort me now as I did then.  And I know that the pain I experienced from losing Mom will help me to be better at comforting my friend, knowing what awaits her.  The Romans 8:28 deal is in effect.  So as selfish as this may sound, please pray for me as well for my friend that I would have the words to comfort her.  And to help me with my own broken heart.

Okay I lied

I am going to write more.  I am going through a transition right now, aren't we all though?  I get glimpses in the dark, a glimpse of a glimmer of light, far off in the distance.  It's God trying to tell me to let go and trust Him.  You know, the Guy who created the Heavens and the Earth?  The Guy who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb.  The Guy who designed Les for me and me for Les just so we could have these incredibly wonderful women, Donna and Jo.

Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think?  Wait, what?  I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me?  Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?

Awright, I'll give it a whirl.  But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes.  Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.

A promise to post

I'm not considering this as an actual post, just a promise to post for Donna.

Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.

But I will, I promise.