Old memories etched deeply

The father of a friend of mind who has been in home hospice from cancer passed away today.  In the beginning they were hopeful that the chemo and radiation would reduce the tumor so that they could remove it from his brain.  She sent me a text this evening to let me know that he had passed and asked me to pray for him.

I thought to myself that praying for him now is an exercise in futility.  What will happen has already transpired.  I don't know if he was saved, I'm pretty sure he was a Catholic, but I'm not positive if he wasn't born again.  Either way, I prayed for him, God rest his soul and the rest of my prayers went out to my friend and her family, those left in the wake of the loss.

Home hospice and cancer are something I have a certain expertise in.  And the news that her dad had passed flooded me with the memories of my mom's bout with, and ultimate loss to, cancer.  She was saved, so I will see her again, some day.  But the hard part of this particular journey is getting through the aftermath of their death.  It's a selfish emotion to want them to stay here, to remain with us when every breath is painful and death is blessed release.

God help me, I still sometimes wish Mom was still with us.  But hey, if you are gonna dream, dream big, I'd want her to be healed too.  I miss her so fiercely right now, it's almost as if her death was recent instead of nearly 18 years ago.  My heart is in a hard little knot, squeezed down, compressed into a diamond of pain.  And just like a diamond, the pain of losing her even yet is just as brilliant and capable of cutting glass.

I think of all of the wonderful things my children have not been able to experience with her.  How she never got to be there for the milestones in their lives. It makes my eyes flood with tears just thinking of her.  Normally I'm okay but this has really taken a hold of me.

I am so very grateful that I have Christ to comfort me now as I did then.  And I know that the pain I experienced from losing Mom will help me to be better at comforting my friend, knowing what awaits her.  The Romans 8:28 deal is in effect.  So as selfish as this may sound, please pray for me as well for my friend that I would have the words to comfort her.  And to help me with my own broken heart.

Okay I lied

I am going to write more.  I am going through a transition right now, aren't we all though?  I get glimpses in the dark, a glimpse of a glimmer of light, far off in the distance.  It's God trying to tell me to let go and trust Him.  You know, the Guy who created the Heavens and the Earth?  The Guy who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb.  The Guy who designed Les for me and me for Les just so we could have these incredibly wonderful women, Donna and Jo.

Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think?  Wait, what?  I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me?  Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?

Awright, I'll give it a whirl.  But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes.  Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.

A promise to post

I'm not considering this as an actual post, just a promise to post for Donna.

Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.

But I will, I promise.