Why can't I just be happy that they are doing something amazing? My head wants to tell them words of encouragement and that I'm so proud of them. That God had such incredible plans for them over in Germany and that they will bless others greatly and in turn He will bless them even more.
But I can't verbalize that because I guess that means I'm giving them my blessing, that it is okay to go across continents to live possibly for the rest of their lives. And I just can't do that, it is so incredibly not. I can't say that I'm okay with them never living at least near enough to me for it to be a relatively short plane ride away.
It's more than me missing them (which is plenty, trust me). It's seeing my dream of being a grandma that is close to my grandchildren burn and turn to ash before my very eyes. It's been my life long dream, THE DREAM. My dream to have if not daily contact with my grandkids, then at least weekly. To watch them grow up and to not miss a bit of it. And now I see it going up in a puff of smoke.
I'll be a stranger to them, they'll know that they have a grandma and grandpa that live in California in the US and that we live far, far away. That we love them but just can't be near them. They will know this because their parents will them them this and only because of that. There will be no quiet times in the morning when they wake up and climb into my lap for me to cuddle them, inhale their sweet fragrance, and talk to them like I did their mom. My heart breaks just writing this.
