Passages

Off to School

2011-11-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

Les just left for a hazmat refresher up in Port Hueneme, he'll be gone today and be back Friday night then off again Sunday and home for good on the 9th. This coming weekend is his 50th birthday and I wanted to celebrate it with a party with all of his old friends but I'm glad the planning was not done since them sending him to this school came up literally, last week on Wednesday. I would have been more than slightly peeved if it had ruined those plans.

Regardless, what this post is about is me missing him. We often spend week days and weekends interacting briefly after I get home from work, sometimes it totals no more than 45 minutes. He is usually plugged into his computer by the time I get home. I go back into my room to chill after spending quality time in the same room with him catching up on my facebook and email. We may/may not eat together due to his hunger needs. I know if I pushed it or nagged him we would spend more time but if it isn't where his heart is... But I know he is a loner at heart and always has been. Most of his pursuits have been a single player "sport". But I know that he will miss me as well.

I'm such a big baby about stuff like this, always have been. I'll just have to spend my time being productive about his birthday since I'll have all of this time to do it unfettered.

It's just that well, he's my lobster.

It's the little things

2011-11-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

I've actually done pretty well the last two days, no tears and even a spring in my step again. I'm no Little Mary Sunshine but I can't stay in a fugue for very long before I snap out of it. I'm just not made that way. God has everything to do with it. It was as if I could feel Him reach down from heaven, tuck His finger under my chin, and lift my face toward Him to remind me all that I need is with Him and in His power. I only cried a little bit reading Donna's blog today, just a teensy bit, then I sent a fervent prayer for comfort and it passed quickly.

Donna will be getting up in a little bit to get started with helping get ready for her church Thanksgiving. I know she and Aaron will have a wonderful day spent with plenty of people thrilled that they are there. Donna is built like me, she blossoms in a large group setting, loves the energy of that type of gathering. I used to have them to enjoy in the past, first during my childhood holiday gatherings with my family and my dad's then as a teenager with my mom's extended family. As a young Navy wife we would gather all the stray singletons still in town during the holidays and had them come to our place for dinner with our other military family/friends. When the girls were little we would spend them with my mom's brother and my cousins at their place. But in the last 10 years since Les has retired, it has just been our little family and a couple of the kid's friends and/or their boyfriends.

It's just not the same as the big family or "family for now" gatherings that I've always enjoyed. This year will be extra quiet without Donna and Aaron. But somehow God has pulled it off and I'm actually excited about tomorrow and whatever it brings. If you had asked me just this past Sunday I would have told you I'd prefer to just pull the covers over my head, hide out watching tv on my computer, eating junk food and crying until it passed. But God has blessed me with a new perspective and while I can't quite rejoice that Donna and Aaron won't be here. I am very happy that they will have a wonderful day with those that they are among.

I keep finding small silver linings each day to put in my "box of gratitude". I don't actually have a box, but I think I might just make one and have the inaugural kick off tomorrow. Then open it next year on Thanksgiving to see what made me grateful throughout the year. I know I won't be so consistent as to get something in every day, I'm just not that good.

Anyway, I just thank you Lord, my loving Father, that you care enough for me to not let me suffer for too long before pulling me out of my misery to enjoy the gifts you have so lovingly lavished on me. I just pray that I can continue to remember this every time I'm tempted to be ungrateful.

Even so, Father, it is good in Your sight.

Even so

2011-11-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I couldn't do this but today I can. Sometimes I think my grief over Donna moving to Germany is like being poisoned. Each dose of the antidote helps me to recover, but I have to vomit it out to really get better. Yesterday was the worst of it, I know I will continue to have bouts, but at least today, I haven't cried about it even once. A vast improvement really.

I really didn't want to go to church yesterday, I even toyed with the idea of telling Les I didn't feel like going knowing full well he would be totally on board and ready to skip it. But the very fact that I seriously didn't want to go tipped me off that I really NEEDED to go. It's always the way it works for me, the times I really don't want to, God has something important for me to hear that day in service. This time was no different than the others. Phil did a Thanksgiving sermon emphasizing the thanks, the gratitude that we should have towards God. Even when we don't feel like it, even when we are at a point in life that there seems to be nothing to be grateful about. Even when we are the valley of the shadow of death (okay, that was just for dramatic effect-though true). But you understand what I a driving at. Basically when we cannot find any redeeming value in the circumstances we find ourselves in "Even so, Father, it seemed good in Your sight." Luke 10:21 Meaning, we may not understand how this trial could ever possibly seem good not now, not ever. God can. God has the benefit of seeing time with a better vantage point than we do. He can see the benefit of our experiences for the future understanding that the pain and anguish we feel now, will temper over time and allow us to see things differently, if not clearly, after it has all passed.

He said that being thankful during good times is easy. The hard part is to be thankful during hard times and even to be thankful for the trials themselves. That this time is a time of going through the Refiner's fire. That in order to make us pure, we need to be heated up to melting (trials) so that the Refiner can scoop the impurities off the top and make us more pure. I knew this already, I learned this when I was a baby Christian. Somehow I either forgot it or was simply too blinded by my situation to remember it. It has been a long time since I have had such a trial that it has brought me to my knees crying out "Abba, Father!".

That in itself is a blessing, that my life has been so good for so long. Or that I have been so lax in my relationship with God that I wasn't walking closely enough with Him. Either way the end result is I have now entered the fire and Lord knows, I'm starting to melt.

Even so, Father, it seems good in Your sight.

Going, Going, Gone

2011-11-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

So they are gone, it is not as hard as when Donna went to York but in some ways it is more heart breaking. York was for 4 1/2 months, literally, only God knows how long she will be gone this time. I want to rejoice in the fact that God is using her so mightily and that she is so willing to follow where He would have her go. And I know that in time, I will be able to feel that first. But I will always miss her, I will always yearn to have her near me. It will always feel as if I am missing a limb.

I went to Michael's today to pick up some stuff and ended up in the yarn section, that's where Donna and I always ended up, looking at the different yarns and talking about projects we had started or wanted to start and how perfect a particular yarn would be for it. It was all I could do not to cry, and in the end, I got out of there as fast as I could and cried most of the way home. It's not just that store, it's a bunch of them, and this time of the year, knowing that all of the stuff we liked to do with each other is over and I'm left so alone now. She totally understood how this time of year was so special to me because it is so special to her and she would share in the same delight I had planning our "thing" to give to our friends. Now I am alone in this, Jo doesn't really care about the holidays and neither does Les. They participate, but it has no special meaning or feelings of happiness for them. And for now, I feel that way too.

God, please help me to get over this grief, this feeling that I've lost a child to death, because that is the only way I can accurately describe how this affects me. I know that I will grow in this very shadowy valley, that this season will be used somehow in the future. But for the moment, this knowledge is pretty cold comfort.

Sad

2011-08-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

So we just got back from dropping Donna and Aaron off at Long Beach airport. They fly to Germany by way of Atlanta. I'm so glad that Aaron will get a chance to see his folks tomorrow, it's been a year and I know he misses them terribly. They will get into Frankfurt, Germany on Monday at 7:40 am (Europe time). I know that they will only be gone for two weeks and we get to pick them up on the Friday afternoon they get back, but we have Duncan, their kitty, and taking care of her daily will remind me that they are not here.

I know it is stupid and totally illogical, I don't get to see them except maybe once or twice a month now. But, I know that it's the beginning of the clock ticking, the clock keeping time for when they go for good to Landstuhl. I just can't seem to get behind this mission they are going on. I know it's selfish and it's going to happen whether I want it to or not, but I just can't help myself.

There are a few people that get it, that understand just how heartbroken this makes me. But the majority go on and on about how we can skype and how much God will use them and what a great opportunity for them to see Europe. And my brain knows all of that, but my stupid soft heart just spasms in agony over the mere thought of it.

Perspective

2011-08-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm really melodramatic. I mean REALLY melodramatic. I still feel the way I did in my last post, but...I think God is working on my heart. It's just two steps forward, one step back type of progress.

I do have more than one daughter who does want children as well. And let's face it I'll mother/grandmother anyone who gets close enough in proximity and stands still long enough. So, it won't be exactly my dream of having all of my grandchildren surrounding me all the time. But it will be okay.

I'll figure it out with God guiding me, His plans are always some much better than mine anyways.

Thoughts of them leaving

2011-07-31T08:23:00.000-07:00

Why is this so hard for me? When I think about Donna and Aaron going to Germany permanently all I can do is feel, not think, at least not coherently. It's all emotion and tears, if I let it get that far. I really try not to bring that thought up at all because when I do my eyes fill with tears and my chest starts to ache.

Why can't I just be happy that they are doing something amazing? My head wants to tell them words of encouragement and that I'm so proud of them. That God had such incredible plans for them over in Germany and that they will bless others greatly and in turn He will bless them even more.

But I can't verbalize that because I guess that means I'm giving them my blessing, that it is okay to go across continents to live possibly for the rest of their lives. And I just can't do that, it is so incredibly not. I can't say that I'm okay with them never living at least near enough to me for it to be a relatively short plane ride away.

It's more than me missing them (which is plenty, trust me). It's seeing my dream of being a grandma that is close to my grandchildren burn and turn to ash before my very eyes. It's been my life long dream, THE DREAM. My dream to have if not daily contact with my grandkids, then at least weekly. To watch them grow up and to not miss a bit of it. And now I see it going up in a puff of smoke.

I'll be a stranger to them, they'll know that they have a grandma and grandpa that live in California in the US and that we live far, far away. That we love them but just can't be near them. They will know this because their parents will them them this and only because of that. There will be no quiet times in the morning when they wake up and climb into my lap for me to cuddle them, inhale their sweet fragrance, and talk to them like I did their mom. My heart breaks just writing this.

Just a short one

2011-07-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've thought about blogging off and on and always opt not to. I'm either in a hurry or simply lack the desire to put my lame thoughts down for all to see. But I'd better get back into the habit of it again as I'm pretty sure Donna and Aaron are going to go to live in Germany for at least a year or two (or more).

I'm stymied, I have no idea what to do with this situation. I know it is God's will, but I don't particularly like it. At least this time I'm not actively praying for it not to happen, a futile effort, at best. I just pray that God helps me through this, to figure out what I need to do to keep me sane. All I have are great big hairy question marks at this time. I can't figure out why my kid has to keep moving farther and farther away from me.

Well, now you know why I don't blog very often.

Old memories etched deeply

2011-02-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

The father of a friend of mind who has been in home hospice from cancer passed away today. In the beginning they were hopeful that the chemo and radiation would reduce the tumor so that they could remove it from his brain. She sent me a text this evening to let me know that he had passed and asked me to pray for him.

I thought to myself that praying for him now is an exercise in futility. What will happen has already transpired. I don't know if he was saved, I'm pretty sure he was a Catholic, but I'm not positive if he wasn't born again. Either way, I prayed for him, God rest his soul and the rest of my prayers went out to my friend and her family, those left in the wake of the loss.

Home hospice and cancer are something I have a certain expertise in. And the news that her dad had passed flooded me with the memories of my mom's bout with, and ultimate loss to, cancer. She was saved, so I will see her again, some day. But the hard part of this particular journey is getting through the aftermath of their death. It's a selfish emotion to want them to stay here, to remain with us when every breath is painful and death is blessed release.

God help me, I still sometimes wish Mom was still with us. But hey, if you are gonna dream, dream big, I'd want her to be healed too. I miss her so fiercely right now, it's almost as if her death was recent instead of nearly 18 years ago. My heart is in a hard little knot, squeezed down, compressed into a diamond of pain. And just like a diamond, the pain of losing her even yet is just as brilliant and capable of cutting glass.

I think of all of the wonderful things my children have not been able to experience with her. How she never got to be there for the milestones in their lives. It makes my eyes flood with tears just thinking of her. Normally I'm okay but this has really taken a hold of me.

I am so very grateful that I have Christ to comfort me now as I did then. And I know that the pain I experienced from losing Mom will help me to be better at comforting my friend, knowing what awaits her. The Romans 8:28 deal is in effect. So as selfish as this may sound, please pray for me as well for my friend that I would have the words to comfort her. And to help me with my own broken heart.

Okay I lied

2011-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

I am going to write more. I am going through a transition right now, aren't we all though? I get glimpses in the dark, a glimpse of a glimmer of light, far off in the distance. It's God trying to tell me to let go and trust Him. You know, the Guy who created the Heavens and the Earth? The Guy who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. The Guy who designed Les for me and me for Les just so we could have these incredibly wonderful women, Donna and Jo.

Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think? Wait, what? I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me? Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?

Awright, I'll give it a whirl. But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes. Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.

A promise to post

2011-02-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

I'm not considering this as an actual post, just a promise to post for Donna.

Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.

But I will, I promise.

Let see if anyone reads this stuff

2010-10-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

So ya, it's been raining here - a lot! I know the rainy season officially starts in October but really? 2 inches yesterday, that's like what, almost a fifth of what we need for the whole year? Crazy.

On to a new topic, we are now in the busy portion of the year in my household. It starts with the new school year and just picks up speed from there. Halloween is almost here, total non thing in my house but most everyone else is jazzed. I'm keeping my eye on the true prize, Christmas. It's not the presents or the food, it's how people are motivated to do simple acts of kindness just because a season. I do it because, well, it's my thing, a year 'round thing. I like to hold doors open for people and do random acts of kindness, it's how I do. But for others, they save it all up for Christmas time. They give of themselves, they give their time, they smile more. There are those who hate the holidays, it depresses them and reminds them of what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do. Regardless, I pray for all of those who don't know Jesus or why there is such a fuss about the whole thing. That this would be the time they are saved or the seed of their salvation is planted.

Okay, I'm a liar, I do like the cooking, the endless planning of recipes that won't be made because my family is rather OCD about what they eat during the holiday meals. It makes it easy to plan, but BORING for me. I can't properly try out new things if they must have the same old traditional food I've always made. Maybe I should start making new stuff and just have people over to eat it. I'd get my ya-ya's out cooking new stuff the fam would NEVER dream of eating and it would all be consumed so that I'm not eating it all. Like some really cute cupcakes I saw for Halloween. Those I'll make for work.

Anyway, time to go, it's bed time and I'm still typing away. Okay, I wonder who will read this blog first.

It's time

2010-08-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

'Nuf said.

So Les and I were supposed to take a road trip to N.D. to go to the Slagle family reunion, but we suffered a temporary reversal of fortune (ie: the minivan had to have all four tires replaced, our over the stove microwave died, we need to replace our furnace before the winter rush-also dead, and there are the start of the fall semester costs for lil Miss Jobee). So we will be taking a much shorter, cheaper trip up the coast on the Pacific Coast Highway to SF for about 4 or 5 days then some staycationing around SD.

Either way it will be the first vacation for us in 3 years at all and the first road trip Les and I have taken since our 20th anniversary (if you wanna call a weekend in Vegas in 2004 a true road trip) before that it was 1985. Regardless, I'm pretty psyched about it, I must say!

We need to get our plans together, figure out where we would like to visit on the way back down, pack the camera and get the cooler of tasty road treats ready to go. It will be nice spending some quality time with my honey, just the two of us, like the true honeymoon we never had (the first one was 2 nights and 3 days in Julian, it was only romantic because of who I was with.

Anyway, sorry for the long drawn out dry spell, I'll try to write more often in the future. I'll post pictures of our travels and fun when I get back.

Okay

2010-03-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

It has been a long while since I posted. I go through spurts and spates of blogging then POOF! vanish for a while. I get too wrapped up in my workaday life sometimes to remember there is a time for this to happen. For me to put thought to...computer? Anyway, time slips away, water goes down the drain (as does money) and things exist no more.

Lots goes on but is any of it really important in the longterm scheme of things. All that really matters is God's unending love for us and Jesus' unending sacrifice for us. My focus is not to be on my day to day yada yada life. My focus is to listen to what it is God wants me to do, in every moment. I'd like to say that I'm a laser beam of focus for Him, but that would be a whopper even I would have a hard time keeping a straight face saying.

Donna recently wrote that to read the bible and pray, the ever present mantra of Christianity was something she (we) should be doing. Like breathing or blinking, as in, how can you stop doing it? I always find time to eat, sleep, watch shows on the computer (I spend way too much time on the computer truth be told), so why not read the bible, why not spend quiet time before my Creator?

Because it takes no time to be brain dead, looking at images on a electronic screen, reading about the lives of those around me living their lives. Being quiet before God, waiting for Him to speak to me, that would take dedication. But isn't that what we are called to do, dedicate our lives to Him? Why is it so difficult to do this? Why do I let so many other things distract me instead of allowing myself to be immersed in Him.

I wish I knew. So I go back to working hard at shutting out the other things of this world that pull me away from Him and attempt yet again to make Him my first priority, not my last. He gets in my face all the time and I don't even recognize it when He does because I'm so wrapped up in my life to clearly see Him.

God, please help me to be sensitive to You and Your wants and desires. It isn't that you don't make them plain, I'm just so used to shutting them out that I can't see beyond my own nose. Bring my focus out of me and onto You. You are the only one worthy of it, nothing and no one else.

I had no idea

2010-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

Man, I had no idea just how rough things could be in one day. It was like one of those terrible day comedies, except no one was laughing.

1)Dru got loose yesterday, the fence between the street and the dog run blew open just enough for her to easily walk out, and she did, sometime between 1pm and 3:45pm. We scoured the surrounding neighborhood(s) and checked the major streets, no Dru. So we called the animal shelter, no dog with her description was there, but they told us to keep checking their online site, that they update frequently throughout the day.

2)Les and I were supposed to lead our small group yesterday and we were just sitting down to do the study (don't judge) when he received a call. Apparently they had a maintenance guy in to do some work who comes in infrequently. At the end of the day he was still working, but they forgot about him and locked him into the compound. Les' number is the only contact he had. So Les had to drive all the way out to North Island on Coronado to let him out, then back home in the rush hour, in the dark, and in the crazy rains.

3)Jo got home while Les was doing his rescue mission and had lost her phone at the trolley, she had already gone back to check, no dice. So she tried to call the cell several times and there was no answer, of course. Her only option, get a new phone, but since she needed either Les or I to be there do this, I was up to bat. Luckily it was past time for her to upgrade her phone, so it only cost an arm and not the leg frequently used to accessorize it so nicely.

So we got home, Les got home, Chris and Jo went out and brought home pizza for dinner, but still no Dru. I worried all night and checked the animal shelter site first thing when I woke up, still no picture of Dru. Told my tale of woe to my cohorts and cronies at work then I checked midway through the morning, no Dru. After lunch I checked again, this time I gave the spots that said "no picture yet" a click. Lo and behold, under each of those spots were sketchy details of dogs that had been picked up. One of them sounded like Dru, from our zip code. So I called and after much automated question answering I got a live person and the answer I had been hoping for. Dru was there, the lojack we had installed in her as pup had paid off, I knew FOR SURE it was her.

Les went and got her after he got off work, paid all the fees for licensing, kenneling, and shots and finally she was free from the doggie pokie. I've spent the better part of the evening petting and loving on her. I made a promise to myself that if she made it home, I was going to love her wholeheartedly. I've been very careful for these past 9 years not to get close to Dru or Angel. And now that Angel is gone, Dru is the only one left. It's painful if you give your heart with abandon to the dog and they pass, and it hurts just as much when you try not to. So I'm giving her all I have, with the fore knowledge that it's gonna hurt like hell when she passes. But at least she'll have had all of the love I have to give her before she goes.

It was a rough day, being sick, the drama of the lost phone, failure of leading the small group, the agony of worrying about the lost pooper, and the scary wind and rain. But Jesus heard my prayers and looked after our silly dog, made a painful purchase not so painful. And now I know Les is praying too, He let Les off of the hook for leading group! Well played sir, well played.

Thank you Father for taking a day filled will frustration and heartache and turning it into something that brings my eyes and my thoughts to you. Thank you for bringing Dru home and easing my mind. Thank you for your abundant love and grace, I surely don't deserve it, but appreciate it nonetheless. ~Amen

This year

2010-01-20T09:30:00.001-08:00

Has kinda been rough and rocky so far. Nothing the Big Guy upstairs and I can't handle, it's just that I was hoping for a little bit of a break. But I guess He has other plans for me. I know that it's a period of growth and like all growing pains, well, they're painful.

But I have faith that God is preparing me for something else, something that is beyond my thoughts and desires for today. My immediate wish is for the daily drama to be on the back burner. I am a peace loving individual. I like things to be calm and contention free. Somehow I seem to be a drama magnet, what I mean by that is the drama queens are drawn to me, probably because I am more stable.

Regardless, I guess it is yet another way for God to keep my focus on Him. That I would be driven to seek solace and grace from and through Him. And wow does it ever work! If I keep my focus on Him it helps, because it's His strength that helps me get through the drama. His wisdom that helps me see through the junk of the situation to the crux of the matter. His love that sooths my shattered nerves from the endless pushing and pulling. Sometimes I know how it feels to be made into taffy. But what a lovely treat is created in the process!

So I wake up, pull up my socks and struggle through the day to jump the impossible hurtles and dodge the inevitable issues that arise knowing God is for me, so who can be against me?

Yet again

2010-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

Here I sit, my heart breaking, tears well up and stream down my face. We had to have Angel put to sleep tonight. He was a dear, sweet dog, that barked way too much and startled too easily. But he was a good dog that deserved to live long enough to be old and cranky.

He was fine on Thursday evening when we left for Hemet to celebrate New Year's Eve with some friends. Sometime between then and when we got home in the morning, he lacerated his tongue and tore up the edges of his ears. In the next two days he steadily if slowly went downhill, his ears would keep oozing blood, then he wouldn't eat, then he even refused to drink any water. He was lethargic when I went to work, but Les was home for the day and would take Angel to the vet to see what was up.

When Les took him in this morning Angel had begun to drool blood. They were going to treat the symptoms first then try to figure out what was going on. The blood tests showed he had no white blood cells to speak of and his platelets were all screwed up. There was no saving Angel, just releasing him from his suffering.

When we got to the vets and they brought him in, earlier they had shaved his ears and noticed the bruising and continued to shave Angel to see if they could figure out the problem. They surmised he had vascular problems due to the blood issues that resulted in him bruising down all of his neck and partly onto his shoulder. The assistant stopped shaving him at that point, she told us.

It might have been cancer, but they just don't know. All I know is Angel was a good dog, a sweet boy that I will miss and grieve over. There will be no new pets in my near or even far future of that I am sure. I couldn't bare the eventual loss. We have one more dog left, Dru, and she's going to be a sad little pooper for awhile.

I really hate this part of pet ownership.

Christmas is gone

2010-01-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

for another year. I love the anticipation of Christmas, heck, I start in July (true story)! I gleefully demand that the decorations are brought down the day after Thanksgiving and want to start decorating right away. The tree glistens and looks so pretty especially once I finally get all of my wrapping done and the presents are nestled beneath it. Then Christmas morning, my family opens their presents and I am awash in love and excitement, hoping I've bought or made the perfect gift for them. I cook the ham dinner and at the end of the evening, I'm exhausted. Another Christmas over and put to bed. We wait until after New Year's Day to take down the tree. But once New Year's is over I'm sooo ready for all of it to be put away!

I thank God that He gave us the precious gift of His Child brought forth so that we may have the chance to be with Him eternally. The trappings of the tree, the gifts, the cooking, and the time spent together is wonderful but I try to never lose sight of the true gift I've been given.

I'm glad that the most important part of this holiday is not something I ever want to put away or undecorate. I'm beyond blessed that God wants me to join in His celebration all year round.

Yep, Christmas is gone, boxed up and ready to go back up into the attic. But I hold that precious gift that God gave me like a beacon to cast light on all that I am through Him.

Thanks God, you are the ultimate gift giver.

Post Christmas blog stalking

2009-12-27T09:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is J, and I blog stalk people. There I said it, and now you know. I go online everyday to check out what my family, friends, and other folk are doing on Facebook every day but once a week I go to Blogger and check it out to see if there are any new blogs. I average a blog entrance every 3 to 6 weeks myself, because I don't feel there is anything going on to blog about in my life. I prefer not to share every boring thought that flits through my mind and trust me, they are so boring they are deadly. But I adore checking out blogging of those I love because to me, their thoughts are fascinating. It's particularly fun to check out Donna's friends blogs because Donna has a particularly entertaining group of friends. The are truly a very witty and articulate group. And since they are digital natives, their blog sites are updated with a new look every so often and they post photos to accompany their blogs.

That's my favorite part, it adds such a wonderful visual aid to what they are blogging about. I treasure the antics of Tiffany and her grandma, the musings of Lauren and Michelle, the insights of Pear, the sheer beauty of Heather P's photos, and Allie's playfulness. These girls are all very delightful in their own unique way. They make me feel old and young at the same time and appreciate that our children have grown into thoughtful, sweet, and incredible young women.

So forgive me if I stalk you, I'm not a creeper, I just love laughing and pondering at the wonderful thoughts you all share from your hearts.

Brava, ladies! Keep the blogs coming.

This blog bears witness

2009-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

To a claim that my daughter Jo has made. I just had to put this down for posterity (12/8/09) for when I can prove she actually said this and meant it.

We were having a discussion about her work (at Macy's) and how it's cemented her distaste for children. She wants to have her own, she just can't stand other people's kids. Anyway, apparently there was this devil's spawn that was causing an issue and at the end of it I said, if I was the child's mother I would have taken her to the closest bathroom and paddled her bottom. You can't do that Mom, it's different now. I said, even when I have grandkids, if a spanking is necessary in public, I'll do what I did when they were little and take them to the bathroom or the car and swat them.

Oh, it won't be necessary to do that with my kids, they won't be like that. Oh ya, the clock is ticking. The only way she is getting out of this is if she never has kids.

So, we'll see faithful reader, and you know, I'm patient, I'm her mama.

Here I am again

2009-11-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

Sometime I feel like I live my life in the same pattern over and over again. Not a rut exactly, it's not the same every day like if it's Tuesday it's meatloaf (although there are some in my family who would enjoy that particular rut!) It's more like, wow, really, am I doing this again?

I thought I was over the getting my feelings hurt when people try to "gently" tell me things that they feel they need to. I feel misunderstood and insulted because, well...that is simply not how I see it. I guess I just invest too much of my heart in people or maybe I'm just way too sensitive for my own good, I dunno.

I just wish that things would stop changing so rapidly, you know? So I could get my head wrapped around things, then they happen instead of the constant S-pattern I live my life in, dodging the boulders in the road that appear out of nowhere.

Can't people just accept the fact that I love them and I want to know what is going on with them because it truly interests me not because I'm being nosy. I'm not trying to get all up in their business, not idle curiosity, I want to know because I want to share their life. I want to be involved not a peeping tom.

Someday, in the not so far future, I will be wanted again. And whether it's idiocy or faulty memory, I'll allow them to suck me in again, just to be tossed aside when they no longer have need of me, like a pair of old shoes.

All I know is that when you are those old shoes in the back of the closet, waiting to be taken out and hittin' the road again, it's awfully dark and lonely. You fondly remember the times when you were out and about and hope those times come again soon.

This program was brought to you by Self Pity, Inc., makers of Whine and Complain

Didn't see this coming

2009-11-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Donna and Aaron are home for their first visit since moving out. If you notice I use the words visit and home in the same sentence. How do you visit your home? It's like an oxymoron, picked apart it doesn't make any sense why they are together. Because this is their home, and yet it isn't.

I'm having a tough time with this weirdness this morning. Two of the people I love the most are sleeping on the couches right now like refugees instead of their bed in their bedroom across the hall from me. It's been a while since I've felt palpably upset that they are all moved out and on their own.

I gotta say that I am a smidge bitter that of all of the parents of the multiple couples that married this summer, we are the only ones that don't get to have the opportunity to make easy plans to see our lovebirds on a whim or even easily. It's like a military campaign-okay men, let's synchronize our watches...now!

But I am grateful that they are down here, even though they are still sleeping from their evening of shenanigans and tomfoolery with their friends. That sounds more craven that it actually is, their group has a tendency to be sillier rather than worldly.

Heather Pepin (nee Ozuna) said it best, (and I paraphrase) the Lord is not through with me yet. He is still ever stretching me, molding me, and making me grow. Mainly because, if left to my own devices, I'll sit here like a lump, hiding under a blanket, happy with my status quo and fearful to stick a big toe out into the cold cruel world. My mother taught me in action and attitude rather than word that if you don't go looking for trouble, it may find you but it takes long and it needs to find a map first to get there.

I know that's not true and God is waiting for me to look up and take claim to His promises and enjoy the gifts that He has to offer me. I only have to flip that blanket back and take the first step. So no more feeling sorry for what I don't have, but be happy for what I do.

They are here and they are spending the whole day with me until they have to go home tonight to get ready for work tomorrow. And we will be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas as well this year. We will be making presents together for others and...well, let's just say we have plans.

Thank you Father, I'm here in my "home" visiting You for the moment. But soon I'll go back to where I dwell most of the time, in mine. I like yours better, Daddy.

I must be weird

2009-09-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since Donna and Aaron have moved out and I haven't shed a single tear in two days. In fact, I walked into their old bedroom and instead of ghosts of them, I saw possibilities of how I could set up the room to better serve my needs.

Does this make me a bad Mom or just resilient? It's not that I don't miss them, I do, terribly! I guess it must be that to continue to mourn their leaving is just as harmful to me as it is for them. I am still sad when there is something I want to tell her and she's not there. I'm not sure when it is appropriate to call or text anymore since I don't know her work schedule and I don't want to wake her. We'll get into a rhythm soon (hopefully) and it won't be so hard, but for now, it feels like being in limbo or walking on sand, the footing is definitely not secure.

Anyway, just thought I'd report this, I guess to make it more real to me.

Tears

2009-09-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

It didn’t really hit me until I came home and walked in the door. Their rooms are so empty. I've woke up in the middle of the night knowing my life will profoundly, never be the same. I know you understand the relationship that Donna and I have. You share one the same with Heather, Cyndi.

They are not just our children, they are that first one, that first child. The one who made you understand, come to a revelation that there was someone in this world that you would do anything for to make sure their safety was ensured. The one that made you grow up suddenly and become a lioness and a bear for them. They taught you a love so fierce that it’s indescribable. Once you had them, you knew that your life would profoundly, never be same. They paved the way for the other children, they were that little, helpless being that made you feel such joy, just holding their tiny little bodies in your arms, that you thought you might pass out from it. And each one after that, you knew just how precious they would be to you.

So how do I reconcile my nights and days now? How do I get up in the morning knowing that I'm...I've had literally 4 or 5 words come to mind and they are all inadequate to describe just of what little use I am in her life now. She has to be left alone to become the woman she is meant to be. She is not an experiment to poke, tweak, or adjust so that she is continued to be molded into what I believe she should become. She has to walk this part of the journey apart from me in order for her to solidify into a fully functioning adult, capable of handling all that life throws at her.

Don't get me wrong, she is ready for this, I'm not. I'm not ready to let her go! I accept in my head that I have to, I really don't have a choice in it. But my heart, that traitorous, self indulgent thing, it just refuses to accept that fact. It finds new ways to make me weep and mourn my new status as a bit player in Donna's life.

Right now, I understand why cutters cut themselves. At least then I would have physical pain to focus on right now. That I could channel this ache in my heart into a tangible thing that I could nurse and eventually heal from. I'm way to chicken to ever do it, it wouldn't solve anything. I know that I am a realist and will eventually pull up my mental socks and keep on trudging until I can get over this.

But right now, right now I have the biggest, dullest jagged knife in my heart. That twists and twists, bringing with it new shocks of pain and sorrow with every twist. Bottomless wells of tears slide down my cheeks, and the pain just does not dull. I'm sure it will, I've had more than enough experience with heartache to know that I will be able to move on. That God and time will help to heal my soul.

Now, here in this seemingly endless hour of self pity and despair, it feels like it will never end.

Nearly half way there

2009-08-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost! So far, so good. They made it to Bonnie's last night and were in bed by 9:30 pm. I just got a call and they had a good night's sleep and going out to breakfast with Bonnie before they take off for Oklahoma. So they will have a warm meal and a good beginning before they take off. The ride is much shorter today and at the end, they will stop at Bonnie's for another night of rest before they take off again on Saturday morning. That means, if all goes well, they should be home very early on Sunday.

My head says relax, but my heart says they're not home yet. Plenty of things could still happen. But at least I'm not nearly as anxious as I was before. This is the part of being a parent that is so difficult for me. I know they are not children anymore and I was on my own, mostly, at this age. At some point I have to trust that they are smart enough (they are) to figure things out and that I've imparted enough of my wisdom and paranoia to evade most dangers.

That leaves me with trusting that God has more for my girls to do on this earth. That He's not quite ready to bring them home. Some Christians have a disdain for those who don't fall in line with the idea of, if the person who died is saved, why are you sad and not rejoicing? My personal belief is that God does not expect you to be happy that your loved one is dead. I believe He knows that you cannot help but be monumentally upset at your loss and that the idea that that person is now with Jesus is something that comforts the mourner. In other words, the one true blessed thing out of their loved one being gone. But to not mourn their passing at all, inconceivable! The most callous remark I ever received was from (not current) my pastor's mom. She, in one of those flippant and dismissive tones remarked, "She's better off now, she's with Jesus!" As if I should snap out of my loss and that mourning my mom (who had passed merely 5 days before at the age of 61) was utterly ridiculous. As you can see, it still burns and stings 16 years later. I don't know if she realized just how flip she was at the time or how it was almost like a physical blow when she said it to a new relatively new Christian. But it has always stuck with me, obviously, and you can bet that I'm very careful when and if I say it to anyone who has just lost their loved one.

I have plenty of faith, and if you know me at all, you know that much is true. Faith that my whole belief system is true and I rarely question it's validity. But my faith that God will stop others evil just to save me grief, ummm...not so strong. I'm a good portion of Irish, bad things like rain in Seattle, it's gonna fall, it's just a matter of when and how much. I have total trust that He will see me through my trials, but there will be trials and plenty of them.

I hope and pray that God knows that my children are one of those things that the loss of would be the end of me. I don't think I'd renounce God (never say never) but I think I'd certainly be a very bitter person, or just check out entirely until it was my time to go.

Anyway, I know the enemy is preying on my ultimate fear, and that to allow him that much power is foolish and playing right into his hands. All of this is true, except while wallowing in my fear I also cry out to my God and Savior, the Lifters of my spirit and the Protectors of my girls. I continuously throughout the day pray for their safety and to help me to be strengthened by Their might and not rely on my own. For They are the true power and by seeking Them, and only Them, will I find any kind of relief from my worries.

Praise Jesus that we have Him to run to for safety and and comfort, all else is a weak imitation, unreliable at best.

This is soul sucking

2009-08-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm waiting for her to leave, hoping they change their minds and not go. Jo's coming down with something now, most likely a cold. Great, just what a person needs when they are driving nearly non stop to Oklahoma.

My heart is so heavy right now, I am so worried about them going and making it back in one piece. I keep asking the Holy Spirit if she'll be okay and make it home safe. I keep getting the answer - yes. But is it my wishful thinking or truly the Holy Spirit? Am I just fooling myself to keep myself from going crazy from worry? Or am I just being a totally faithless idiot and not allowing myself to be comforted by Jesus.

I guess I'll find out sometime between now and Sunday in the wee hours. We will either get a phone call from them, the highway patrol, my sister-in-law or no calls and no girls on our door step or the girls walking in the door dead on their feet from exhaustion and chattering away like maniacs with a bunch of silly stories that make them laugh.

Please God, let it be the last one. I pray this with all my heart. You alone know the depth and breadth of my fears when it comes to my girls. Please let the next few days pass quickly, without incident. Just bring her back to me in the shape she left here.

I'd like to say "That's all I have to say about that." But I'll stop blogging about it for today.

Here we go again

2009-08-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

Jo's best friend, Sparky, is married to Morgan. Morgan is graduating from Army boot camp on Friday. Sparky wants to be there when he does, only problem is, boot camp is in Oklahoma. Even if she flies, it's a 6 hour drive from the airport to the base. So rather than fly, rent a car, see him for 2 hours, then drive and fly back to San Diego, she wants to drive there and back to save some cash. Ridiculous.

Anyway, she asked Jo to go with her to help with driving, etc. And Jo, being her best friend said, of course, I'd love to go! It's a bad idea for either of them to go for a myriad of reasons but they can't be swayed.

So here we are, once again, one of my daughters off on a trip that is guaranteed to rip my heart out until they are home safe. Jo holds on to the belief (and dearly I might add) that I love Donna more that her and that if she were to go on a risky trip, I would be right as rain about it. So not true.

Once more it feels like I'll never see her again and that the only way I can liken how I feel is that once she's on her way, all I will be able to do is mourn her. Sounds idiotic, I know, but I can't describe it any other way. I am, to baldly put it, terrified. See, this time it's not a trip where she will be seeking Jesus and trained professionals will not be assisting my girl on her travel.

They plan to drive straight through in shifts to my sister-in-laws place in Texas for a short "layover" then off to Fort Sill. And after they do and see what they planned to, they will reverse the trip. I can't tell you just how sick I am at this prospect. So, once again, I have to pray that God will protect my daughter and bring her home alive and well.

It's not God that I don't trust, it's all of the weirdos and perverts and criminally stupid people out there in the world. Jo, no doubt, just thinks I don't trust her. I just love her, and the idea of anything happening...well, I just can't bear the thought.

So, please pray for them, and pray for me. Hopefully God will remember the deal we have going. My kids don't die or become vegetative before I do, and I keep my sanity and don't take a long walk on a short pier.

I think, therefore, I am

2009-07-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently I haven't had one thought I wanted to put down for posterity since mid-March. But really that isn't true, I had hand surgery to recover from, then not one but two weddings to plan. Now I'm just a plain ol' citizen who gets to attend rather than throw the weddings. Ah, sweet relief!

Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoyed my day in the sun (celebrating my 25th) with all of the family, friends, and well wishers. It was truly a wonderful experience that I will cherish. AND, Donna and Aaron's wedding, FABULOUS! Meeting Aaron's kith and kin, watching my lovely daughter and handsome new son join in holy matrimony-there has been no sweeter moment with her since she was born.

I'm happy for all that went into it but I am ready for life to go back to "normal". My Saturday coffee klatches with my buddy Cyndi and only having to worry about 15 things I need to get done instead 30. Today feels like I'm forgetting something or like I have a missing limb, you know. Like that phantom limb feeling, it's still there but really it's gone. That is how I feel about sitting around doing nothing except laundry and contemplating grocery shopping, weird.

The wonderful girls from bible college go home to the East Coast today. Their Besties from the Westies are taking them out for one last Cali breakfast burrito before they take them to the airport. I'm so glad I got a chance to meet Tif, Steph, and Hannah. They are truly sweet, wonderful, and caring girls and I can easily see how Donna, Heather, and Lauren became so close to them while in York. It's more than the bible college experience, they will be life-long friends.

So yep, those are some of the thoughts rattling around in my teeny cranium today. That and how gracious God is to me, the blessings He pours out on me like a flowing river, washing away the trial and the angst of the weeks grinding labor to sit here and enjoy this beautiful day knowing how loved I am by Him. Thank you God, I think you are pretty cool Yourself!

My thoughts today

2009-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on a lot of things the past couple of days. I have more to go. In my personal life and at work. I was sick last week, so sick I all I could really do is lay in bed, not my usual mode when I'm sick. I usually tough it out or manage to take partial days off and get better. Not this time.

But I digress, my time off left me with a absolute mountain to come back to. But I am slowly completing tasks and crossing them off my lists off things I need to do. Completion, I love it! Completing a list in it's entirety, such bliss for me. It means that some of what is on it will never have do be done again, Yippee! What an awesome feeling.

But as I've been looking over some blogs from dear friends, I found one that she recycled and found new meaning and aptness in it. Then it hit me. I realized that I expect to have revelations from God for my growth, my walk, sins that I need to turn from and sin no more, at least that particular one. Like striking things off a list and never having to revisit them again.

But that is not how God works, at least not in me. I'm like a garden (forgive me, Spring has sprung), in order for plants to grow strong and be fruitful the soil has to have the right nutrients, right? But what if the soil you have to work with is "wrong", too much clay, not enough top soil, just not right for good growing conditions. Well, you have to work it. Use compost or manure, you know, work it to get it to that usable condition. So that when you plant the plant that has already been started, it will take root and use all the good stuff you used to prepare the soil beforehand.

I'm that soil that has some good stuff in it but it's just not ready for the big time, and God just keeps working me so that the plants he plans to to stick in me will take root and grow like crazy! Hugh, juicy, fruit-evident for everyone to see and say, WOW, how did that happen? I can say, it took the Gardner a lot of time and effort, but He is pleased with what grows here.

Weddings, arg!

2009-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well gentle reader (I've stolen this title from Stephen King), I put my digits to keyboard again for your viewing pleasure and to share my thoughts.

This weekend has been about wedding plans: Donna's, now Lauren's (congrats again, sweet girl), and the renewal of my vows. It feels funny planning an event that had almost none the first time. Now I'm in the midst of marriage mania! I feel woefully inadequate to help Donna plan hers and I really haven't spent any time planning my event at all, and it comes two weeks before hers!

I keep waiting for divine inspiration and none is forthcoming, maybe it would help if I prayed about it. It kinda has me in a funk. Where is a person's fairy godmother when she needs her? Well I will get down on my knees and pray for guidance and wisdom. Only God is going to get me through this 'cause I'm failing as captain of this particular ship.

Thanks for lending your ear, I'm just a wee bit hormonal and in need of a swift spiritual kick.

Ta

Two weeks down 50 to go

2009-01-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

This is the second week of the year-gone. Okay, it's only the 9th today, but if you are counting on a Monday through Friday basis, it's week two. And, it's my first week back to work, a rather productive one I might add even though I had a cold.

The first of the year is like waking up in the morning on a Saturday, the whole year is spread before me like a vista view. Anything and everything is still possible, it's fresh and new and makes me want to get down to some serious setting things to right. Don't worry, it usually goes away in a week or two.

I really don't have anything special to relate or impart. I'm not a sage or a prophet. No powerful words of import from the oracle Janet. Just trying to keep my blog from growing stale, like (cough-Donna's). But what is better, publish and bore or don't publish and perish? Who is to say which is right? Not I, gentle reader, not I.

Jumping into the New Year

2009-01-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

2009. Yep, that's what it is. Seems like just yesterday we were bracing for Y2K. Yet here we are nine years later and the planet is still doing what it always has.

I'd make a resolution but it has always been my resolution not to. That way I can't break it, it's failproof. But I do make some decisions to better myself, my lot in life, and my spiritual walk. What are they, you ask? I'd tell you but then if I break them it would signal failure. Better just to keep them private.

I will say that I think 2009 is going to be a good year. Don't ask me how, I just think that no matter what goes down, the Blaisdell's will be blessed. I don't mean bad things won't happen, I mean that God is in control and that He will take care of us in all circumstances.

It will be a period of spiritual growth, of a deeper trust in God and his character. That we will grow to rely on Him and His strength rather than our own. I pray that the coming months will not be painful but unfortunately, pain is where the greatest growth comes from.

Anyway, blessings are coming, just keep a watchful eye out for them!

Crumpled wrapping paper and empty boxes

2008-12-29T08:08:00.000-08:00

are all that are left of this Christmas. The gifts are not nearly as wonderful as the people who wrapped (or in Les' case plastic bagged) them. The true gifts that we receive is the intent behind the gifts that each person had when giving them. Not all are of pure intent, but all want their gifts to be appreciated. And I do appreciate the thought involved and the time the giver spent thinking about what to give me on the day we celebrate Christ's birth.

Because that's what it means to me, Christ was born and I'm the lucky recipient of the gifts we should be giving Him. So it doesn't REALLY matter all that much what exactly I get. Just that the person giving them to me wanted me to feel loved, whether they are a believer or not. And that to me is the greatest thing of all. We give to others so that they feel loved and that is what Christ calls us to do, love others. The cost, or size, or even how rare the gift is just doesn't matter, it's the physical representation of our love for them.

So I am blessed by everyone's love, but most especially by my Brother, my Redeemer, my Savior, my Christ.

Food, glorious food

2008-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

This has been the weekend of grocery shopping and stocking up. Stocking up on regular supplies and doing some early Thanksgiving meal shopping. We went to Costco on Saturday and stocked up on supplies that only they can provide at such a good deal because it is in bulk. Bread, milk, antacids, salad, bagels, cream cheese, hamburger, the staples of life.

What's worse is we were almost out of toilet paper, down to our last two rolls! WAIT...can you hear that? It's a rhythmic thump, faint and muffled, but it's there. Hmm, what could it be...ahh, I know, it's my mother turning over and over in her grave. J/K My mom was cremated. But if she had been buried traditionally, it would definitely be happening. My mom got nervous when we got down to a six-pack of the stuff!

Then today we went to the commissary (Navy talk for the grocery store, for the un-militarized). They have even better deals and you don't have to buy in bulk. Let's just say, they've got almost everything a person could want or need there. Even frozen, un-fried green tomatoes for frying. Yep, they have fried apples in a jar. Not interested, how 'b0ut chitlins? Un-huh, they got it all, baby even turkey stock in a box. Oscar Meyer bun length turkey dogs (best turkey dog you can buy!) for $1.25 a package.

Anyway, so we've got the stuff home organized the pantries and put away everything, whew. I forgot just how tiring it was to a do a full scale stock up session. I always say I'm not gonna let it get that low and life happens and then I have to do it all over again.

Happily, I have tomorrow off and can rest up for my short work week, Yippie!

It's been a really long time

2008-11-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it has been a really long time. I could go into it but it is boring. But as you can see (the date), it's practically Thanksgiving now. My birthday, Donna's, and Aaron's are long gone. I'd really like to say the weather has gone all chilly and nearly winter like but the sad truth is it has not. In fact, you might say it's like never ending summer lately. We have a cool day or two then it's right back to the awful hot, dry crud we've been experiencing since the end of September. Ugh!!! I am soooo sick of it too!

Hannah moved out mid-September, yet her box of junk and prom dress lives on here. She stopped by briefly on election night with promises of coming back that night to pick up her stuff. No dice, she never came back and her stuff still sits in our living room.

Weather not withstanding, we are getting geared up for the holidays, mentally if not physically. A new mailbox stands in the yard instead of reclining on a nearly horizontal post now. I'm sure the mailman is most grateful. We have to be careful with our cash this Christmas, no "Wouldn't be lovely to take all of our money, pile it up, and burn it!" Okay, maybe we don't do it but it feels like it every January when the bills come in. This year we are just going to have to be more careful on what we can't live without buying for our loved ones.

Well, this should appease the masses (Donna) that were complaining that I never post anymore. I really don't have much else to say, at least at the moment.

Ta ra

Summer's last hurrah

2008-08-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's Labor Day weekend and I took Friday off as well to extend it. Fall is upon us, at least by the calendar if not by the weather. It's been rather hot and humid this weekend, we even had some rain on Saturday (August rain in Santee-rare event).

Jo and I shopped for her books for college on Friday (ouch!) and school clothes shopped Saturday and found plenty of clothes for her for less than $200. Oy, such a deal! We got Les a SDSU Dad t-shirt and he loved it, he's such a proud daddy. And I am a proud mom, so very proud of Jo and her accomplishments. But it's so much more than what she does, it's who she has become, all that I ever wanted and more than I ever imagined. Such a blessing.

So I'm sitting here nostalgic for the past school years, yet glad I'm off that particular merry-go-round. I'm still getting her ready for school, but it is more partner-like than as the head honcho. And the fact that I don't have to ride herd on her anymore leaves possibilities of what to do with all of that free time now.

Bible studies are popping up for the future, the ever present desire to go back to school (I will always want to be in school no matter how old I get) each fall. Thinking of the fall events: Donna's birthday, Aaron's birthday, Thanksgiving, Les' birthday-they are all anticipated and yet to be planned. Then on to the Granddaddy of holidays-Christmas and capping it off nicely will be Jo's birthday.

But for now, while it is still summer, I will rest in the knowledge that God has his plan and design for the future, my family's future and mine. Good plans, plans of growth and growing closer to Him. I welcome it, look forward to it, and am rather excited about it. Praise Jesus!

Hey

2008-08-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

So I paid Jo's tuition off tonight, a lot less than I expected but not to say inexpensive. Well worth it though. We went to freshman orientation on Wednesday and by the end of the day my head was full. It was exciting though, to think my little girl would be walking this campus and enjoying being a part of something bigger than her little fish pond called Westhills.

Jo has become a wonderful young woman, I honestly enjoy spending time with her, she is witty and thoughtful. I'm glad we got the chance to know each other before she moves out into that big cold world. I often wondered if it would happen, that we would ever connect other than in a parent/child then authority/downtrodden relationship. But we have, not to say we don't slip into those roles occasionally but it happens less and less often now.

Donna is not going to bible college this fall, not sure why, I didn't ask her. I figure she'll tell me when she wants to. Apparently she is going to go look for a "big girl" job, her description. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm certainly glad she is going to be home this fall but I want her to be happy and I don't know if this makes her happy.

Life at work is crazy lately, not enough time to get what I need to get done and yet the stuff never stops coming. I need an assistant desperately, not a minion as I always joke about. Someone who comes to work looking to do a good job and to learn more each day. Someone I can rely on to do their job and to do it right, as often as they can. Can you clone yourself yet?

Anyway, the hot part of summer is a hair's breadth away now, are you ready to roast?

Good girl Xena

2008-07-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

You're a good girl Xena, yes you are! How many times have I said that over the last 14 years, I wonder. Today we had to euthanize Xena. She had reached the point where her hips just couldn't support her right. We knew this day was coming when we were in the kitchen giving her a treat and both of her back legs went out from under her at the same time like she had all of the sudden decided to plan a game of jacks. She couldn't regain her footing and had to be lifted up to get back into standing position.

This has happened more often over the past 5 months but apparently she just couldn't keep it together anymore, she had 3 episodes this morning before we ever got to the vets and at least three more before she went to sleep.

It wasn't just the hip displaysia, she had lost a lot of weight in the past 3 months too. She was eating and drinking but shrinking at the same time. We had always agreed that we would not let any of our dogs suffer when they got old. That to keep them living just to keep us emotionally stable was cruel and sadistic.

So today we took our baby dog to the animal hospital and watched while she quietly slipped away. Never to say again, "Good girl Xena, you such a good girl!"

Prom and graduation

2008-05-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I was told that my last blog was in March and that it was unacceptable. Well, it's not like I didn't think about blogging, I just had nothing to say, way too much going on and too tired to put fingers to keyboard about it.

Today is Prom, such a little word for such a huge deal. Drama, pathos, intrigue, all before 6pm. I am utterly exhausted and broke and it's barely 7pm. There are girls that are truly grateful for the lengths I've gone to help them pull this all off. The girls are gorgeous, simply and fabulously divine in their prom splendor.

Jo has been so composed during the whole process. No drama or even a slight hint of ungratefulness has been directed my way. In fact, she has been so adult about the whole thing, and let me tell you there was plenty of drama before the prom (what ensues during is yet to be seen or retold), that I am immensely proud of her.

She was simply breath-taking in her dress, she is a beautiful girl and tonight she looked every ounce of a beautiful woman. Her choice of dress, hair, and accessories was spot on.

Next week she graduates on Friday, how the time has flown. I still see the cute little imp with the massive purple glasses and the winsome smile underneath all that gorgeous amazonion womanhood. She constantly amazes me with her prolonged moments of being an adult and it also makes me a little sad too. Soon my baby, my last baby will be a full fledged student at SDSU and step through the gateway and on the road to leaving her childhood far behind.

I'll miss the little girl and teen that she was and look forward to the woman she will be with a bittersweet lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.

This week

2008-03-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Has been full of ups and downs. I 've been getting to know Aaron much better since he got in last Thursday. My friend Cyndi's father-in-law, after a two week downward spiral, passed away. I haven't really spent any time with her for about 3 weeks so she could handle the everything and not be distracted. Aaron asked Les for Donna's hand in marriage and proposed to Donna on Wednesday night at the Spreckles Organ Pavillion. Last night we, Donna, Aaron, and I met up with Heather and their friend Michelle at ECCC for Road to Resurrection, a re-enactment of Jesus last days before crucifiction and his ascension to heaven. I got to spend some time with Cyndi and we will meet up on our normal Saturday morning coffee 'n prayer meeting.

But what I really wanted to talk about was the re-enactment. I knew that it was just some of the congregants playing parts but there were many times when I wanted to start bawling my eyes out. I have always had a pierced heart when it comes to the Easter "story". And know matter how many times I read it or see it live or filmed or even in an animated version, it always affects me.

I try never to take for granted what Jesus did for me and all of us. I am always so grateful that God loved and loves me/us that much. How about you?

Slowly feeling better

2008-02-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think I might finally be coming out on the other end of this illness. Friday was the first day that I didn't start the day utterly exhausted before I even climbed out of bed. I'm not one who enjoys playing the part of Camille so I've been rather unhappy about the whole situation.

I met Cyndi for coffee Saturday morning at a new place in Santee just down the street from the both of us. It is Christian run and a great place to meet if you do bible studies as a group. They have a little room that is off from the main part that you can close the door for some privacy and to keep your group's noise from bothering the other patrons.

Les and I went to the military grocery store (commissary) today and bought a bunch of stuff at a great price that we needed. Okay, we needed some of the stuff and the rest was such a good price we couldn't resist. Anyway, I forget the prices are so wonderful for most things because it is out of our way and a bit of a hassle to go to. Economically speaking with another mouth to feed and other sundry items being used up more quickly I think we will have to visit more often.

Well that's all, no pearls of wisdom today, just our everyday life blurted out for all to see. Ta!

A wonderful interlude

2008-02-09T16:33:00.000-08:00

Today we, and by we I mean the English Troika and the Mamas, attended a incredibly lovely tea held by a dear sister in Christ, Lori Stovall in her home high up in the hills. The table settings were exquisite, the four teas lovely, the tea sandwiches and pasties scrumptious, the lemon cake mouth watering and the conversation was wonderful.

All of the girls were in Friend 2 Friend with Lori while they were in high school and forged a strong bond while Lori was in her infancy as a Christian. She open her home and heart to all of us in an over the top display of English fun.

Each of us were treated royally and felt the warmth of her care.

Thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable tea time spent with you, sweet sister. I will treasure this memory.

Ugh

2008-02-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

I feel terrible! I haven't been this sick in a long while. I actually went to the doctor this morning. He said it may be strep, but if not it is def a upper lung thing. He asked me if I work and I said yep, so he told me Don't go into work tomorrow! Do you need a note, I'll make one out right now. Wow, it must be bad when you're getting an get out of work sick note force on you. Anyway, my family has been taking care of me and I've been sleeping all day.

Yep, that's it, I think I'll crawl back into bed now.

Long time

2008-02-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged. Now that Donna is home I think I don't need to. But since I don't see her as much as when she first got home (go figure, we were both suspended of all duties of employ and education) maybe I do need to.

Don't get me wrong, I see more of her now than when she left. I think she makes the effort to spend more time with us home dwelling denizens and there is always that fellow on skype she keeps going on and on about, WHATEVER!

This year is starting out so very different than last year. I have an additional 18 year old daughter in my house that I adore. I have a new "son" to worry and pray for. And on any given Friday or Saturday night, a gaggle of teens hanging out and having good clean fun at my home. Then there is Jo's friend (not boyfriend) Eric, whom I really get a kick out of. Lots of people to love and care for, just what I was built for.

There is also a plethora of things that are tweaked in the house right now. We just got the oven fixed but, the list is quite long lately. And our finances are stretched alarmingly thin. But God will provide and I am resting comfortably in that knowledge.

The bible study I am in right now is in Galatians, Chapter 5 specifically. We are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. This is something I've heard over and over again, acknowledged and understood...or so I thought. I was particularly convicted during the teaching Cathy gave and it pierced my heart. I truly want to have that agape love for all. Not just for my family, friends, coworkers (some) but for all of humanity. That would include the coworkers that get on my last nerve, the bum I see that looks like he's had 3 squares and is just too lazy to get up and get a real job, the mad clapper at church, snot nosed teens at the movie theater that kick my seat. Ya, the really tough ones to love. Because that is what Jesus calls me to do. And I know I REALLY am not capable to do this on my own. So I'm asking the Holy Spirit to do the impossible in me because with Jesus, all things are possible especially when they are things that will bring Him joy.

Anyway, I'll leave you with that little nugget, love others, agape them, even if you don't want to, I'm gonna try.

The whirlwind has passed

2008-01-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

And it's back to real life again, work and school started today. Christmas and New Year's has come and gone, the presents have all been opened and appreciated, and the clock has rung midnight and we are well into a new year. I don't do resolutions, I am awful at keeping them. I do take stock of the year that has passed, sift and weigh my experiences and joys to see which holds more sand. 2007 rang in on a positive note with me starting my job in a new department I love and ended with a child I love oh-so-much coming home and literally running into my arms for a bear hug to beat them all.

I look forward to 2008 to being a good year, not without problems or sorrows, I am Irish after all, we expect that stuff. But I am one of those people that somehow sees the silver lining in things when it's all said and done, it's my nature also.

So goodbye 2007, sad to see you go. And hello 2008, let's make some magic!

With a little help from my friends

2007-12-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the prayer, my back is not healed, not even close but I did manage to get some shopping done with Donna yesterday and hopefully will finish it up tomorrow. People are crazy out there so since a lot of stores will have early hours tomorrow I think I will use the fact that I can't sleep past 5:30 am to my advantage and go shopping sans the Shopanazi's.

I think tomorrow is tree trimming night for us. The tree has been bare except for the non sanctioned angel (it's a star year) and the lights. Tomorrow the ornaments come out and the star goes up and our tree won't look so forlorn.

Our neighbor is having an open house Sunday so we will go and visit with old friends, neighbors, and maybe even meet some (gasp!) new folks. Jo and Les are shuddering at the mere thought. Then we have Christmas Eve services on Monday night at church.

It's all good here at Camp Blaisdell, I'm glad I have my family to share it with.

Blessings to you all!

This isn't going as planned

2007-12-19T13:30:00.000-08:00

I planned to get a bunch of shopping done and finish decorating my house and get stuff whipped into shape and... the list goes on. What is happening is I am laid up with a pulled muscle in the middle of my back and getting very little done since Donna is sick and I have not the impetus to soldier on through the pain and get stuff done.

Did I mention I keep trying to get whatever typhus she has? Ya, think homeopathic medicine, I've got it and I'm taking everything I can think of to stave off the cholera she's brought home with her. Okay, I'm being a wee bit melodramatic, but I REALLY don't want to be sick on top of everything else.

Anyway, please pray for a quick recovery for me and Donna. We still gotta shop!

Wow am I a liar

2007-12-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

I am such a liar, last two nights I've been too beat to write. So, no blog, but I'm a good morning person.

I woke up this morning and went to my computer. I hoped to catch Aaron to talk to him since I knew he would be down about Donna leaving. He had skyped me about a half an hour before I woke up and was hanging out on his computer doing stuff. We had a nice long talk and I met his mom, sorta. She has a sense of humor, but I could have guess that from Aaron and his humor. He's a good guy and God blessed us with him meeting Donna.

So here I sit, trying not to be all weepy and emotional because my baby is in the air, flying home even as I write this. Words simply fail me, I cannot express just how excited I am and yet I somehow can't believe it either. I've wanted this day to come for so long...I sit here shaking my head in disbelieve that it has finally, finally arrived.

Anyway, thank you God this day had arrived. And in typical San Diego fashion, filled with sunshine and blue skies. Thanks for the smile God, and the warm hug.

Okay so I stayed up too late

2007-12-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I got too tired to write in my blog so I guess I'll just write two today. I had a hard time getting anything done at work yesterday to hopped up on Christmas cheer! I did manage to get some work done. I better get the rest done today cuz today is my last day at work until January 7th, Baby!!!

I went out to dinner with my friend Ellen last night and grandbaby #4 is coming from the House of Billy. I'm going to take the high road and not say anything at this point except, contraception.

Okay, gotta get ready for work and you know it will be hard to concentrate with the ECCC doodah at the Color Me Mine dancing at the end of my day! WOOT WOOT!

Til tonight, I love you Donna and can't wait for you to be home.

Baby it's cold outside

2007-12-12T20:34:00.001-08:00

It's been rather frigid in these parts lately, it's no York but...it's not supposed to be! This SoCal baby! It's too early in the year to be this cold. But it definitely makes it feel more Christmasy.

I "stole" a great pic of the girls at their Christmas party in England. Donna looks quite comfortable in her reindeer antlers. It is wonderful to see the girls happy and bubbly. It will be even better to see them live, not memorex.

Hope you are proud of me Donna, I put in a photo!

The day wasn't so bad

2007-12-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Today was supposed to be my hard day. It turned out pretty good! The meeting went well, the caterer did what they were supposed to do. Everything pretty much fell into place. Thanks for the prayer Cyndi, it is workin' girl!

Then for the evenings festivities, Les saved the day by getting the gift cards for my friend Suzie and her family for Christmas AND regular cards as well! Yep, he sooo came through for me. Dinner was nice and Suzette, per usual got great gifts for us. I'm so sad she moved up to Sacramento, I really miss seeing her.

Tomorrow should be a slow day for me, just getting a lot of loose ends tied up. I need to make sure I don't leave anything undone before I go on vacation.

I've been listening to the top songs for Christian contemporary music. There is a song by Mandisa (American Idol loser) called Only the World. She talks about her days being tough typically every day but it doesn't matter because it's only for a short time then she'll have eternity in heaven. It's a great one to listen to when things are rough, keeps stuff in perspective.

Well, I'm going to bed, I feel old and creaky tonight. Until tomorrow...

Ooo Dagnabit!

2007-12-10T19:54:00.001-08:00

I made it one day then blew it. I missed yesterday. We got home from the Christmas musical at Sparky's church and I went to bed. I was whipped and didn't think twice. Well, I'm not perfect so I'm not gonna beat myself up over it.

Work was interesting, today we had our holiday breakfast in my unit. We do Cut-throat Christmas exchange with books. It's a more pc title for the "you can steal it 3 times then it's frozen" game. I didn't get the book I really wanted, but I did get one that I want. There was this massive coffee table book on castles that I really wanted for Les. But when you are the 60th person out of 60 people to chose, the odds really aren't in your favor. I did get Eat, Pray, Love so that made me happy.

Tomorrow we dine with the Drake's and we are one day closer to Donna being home. Hallelujah! I mark my days now by how many more days until she's back. It's 4 more now incredibly, and I'm having a hard time not worrying about the weather and her flight out of Minneapolis. But that just gives me more cause to get down on my knees and pray.

Gonna try

2007-12-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, my goal is to write every day before Donna gets back. That means no matter how long the day has been or how many activities there are during the day and night, I have to write at least one paragraph. Sounds easy cheesy doesn't it. Well let me assure you it won't be. I have something going on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night. Not to mention the craziness going on at work next week. So ya, don't act like ya'll know whatchyer talkin' about.

Women's brunch was lovely, the music beautiful and the food was good. The company was the best. I sat with Cyndi, Heather's aunt Pam, her grandma Lorene, and Janice (Cyndi's long time great friend). I always feel welcomed and loved when I go to Calvery Chapel by the ladies there and the circle I've been accepted into (Cyndi's). It's really a really wonderful experience to know that you are wanted by people that truthfully, don't know you all that well but are willing to bring you into the fold since you have one person's stamp of approval.

It's analogical of Jesus and our salvation. Without His "stamp" of approval (as our personal savior) God cares about us but can't have that relationship that is so freely given once we accept Jesus as the way, the truth, and the life. Then it's bring on the love and care that goes with this wonderful, priceless gift. Praise Jesus I have that gift that I am so unworthy of.

Father God,

Words cannot begin to describe how mind blowing your sacrifice was so that we could have this relationship. As a mother I understand sacrifice. I am not an unselfish person by nature, but my children have taught me to give, often more than I thought I had in me to give. Time, money, love, sleep, patience, the list is a really long one. But it is less than a tiny speck of what You have sacrificed for me and for all of us. For that I am as grateful as this pathetic wretch is capable of mustering. Your grace is sufficient for all that I have done and all that I have yet to do. The sheer depth of Your love is way beyond my incredibly fertile imagination. And though it is not nearly enough nor could it ever be, I thank You. Thank You for Your gift, it is the best one I'll ever receive.

Amen

A week away

2007-12-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

So, it's a week away now. That's 7 days Luke! I just got some good news today. My boss said I could take January 2-4 off so that means I am off for 23 consecutive days. The last time I had that much time off was 1999. Next week is going to be busy, but that just means it will go by faster.

Jo has friends over to spend the night tonight. They are going to the winter formal with a whole group of people. She has a nice dress and Whoo Hoo she has shoes that will work and fit her to go with it already. Jack pot!!! I already have the batteries for the camera juiced up and ready to go.

Tomorrow is women's brunch for me at Cyndi's church, I'm looking forward to it. Hey, what am I going to wear? I guess I'll figure it out. I'm sleepy and need to go to bed, my writing shows it.

Ta love!

Inside out

2007-12-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

That's how I feel, like wiggling until I'm inside out. This waiting is awful and delicious all at the same time. How crazy is that?! I finally got to the point where the thought "when Donna gets home" didn't automatically pop into my head. And now that is nearly every other thought.

I'm a lunatic, I know, but if God didn't like that about me, He would have thumped it out of me by now. Either that or I'm particularly tenacious! Stop that, I know what you are thinking!

God'll only give you what you can bear

2007-11-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

And apparently I'm a veritable Clydesdale. Yep, plenty of pain this morning but once I got up a getting around the rough spots were ground, if not smooth at least smoother. But this last event of a very, very long week kept me going back and forth pushing stuff here, dragging stuff there, through the rain 5 trips to the portable and back in yucky, wet, and windy weather. All my bits and pieces hurt tonight and while I didn't have to cook dinner, (Woot-Woot! ) I have 4 teenagers in my living room watching gruesome horror flicks.

"That's redundant!", you say, gruesome and horror flick is synonymous. "Not so!", say I. They are watching Saw and Saw II curtesy of Papa Blaisdell. If I had been with them, I would have said most definitely resounding NO. There are horror flicks say, Drakula for instance. Then there's the other stuff, chopped up bodies and blood leaking everywhere. Ick (shudder)! They mentioned something else as well but if memory serves me right it was in the same genre. Really not my taste in movies, gimme a good comedy or even better a romantic comedy. Now that is real movie watching satisfaction.

Tomorrow I get up wit da boidies and go to coffee with Cyndi and possibly Lori, then the day is mine to torture, I mean motivate (ya...that's the ticket) the love of my life to fix stuff around the house. Hey, the door frame isn't gonna jump up and nail itself to the wall on it's own! I can't decide whether to go Christmas shopping or unearth my den. Although cleaning my den could very well be like Christmas shopping dependent on what treasures I find...hmm Besides it's supposed to rain tomorrow and while we do need the rain, it sure makes shopping, shall we say, a study in perseverance.

Well, I shall sign off for now, faithful reader; and you know who you are. So do I, you leave comments when you finish (how else would I know, silly?).

Glad I'm home

2007-11-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

Boy am I. Praise Jesus a catastrophe was averted, right before I left work to go home. One room, two events, one of them mine for 60 people, all day. If I hadn't got to the room at the time I did the people running it would have been gone and there would have been big problems in the morning.

God's divine timing allowed me to be there just as they were leaving and disaster was averted. They moved to their correct room and we are settled for tomorrow. But it meant moving the boxes of binders twice and I'm stiff tonight and will mostly likely be in pain tomorrow. Is Bengay considered a cologne? I guess we'll find out.

Anyway, thank you God for pulling my fat out of the fire, again.

Pic-o-rama

2007-11-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

So, the girls posted a bunch of photos and they are great. I love it because it made me almost feel like I was there with them. That freight train that was baring down on me when Donna left has made a return trip. There is so much going on between now and then, I keep forgetting it's little more than two weeks now.

I am actually a little giddy when I think about her coming home. I felt that way when Jo went to visit my niece Aundrea up in Lompoc for two weeks when Jo was 13. I couldn't wait for the train to pull into the station and all I wanted to do is hug her and give her big kisses all over her face. And that was only two weeks of separation, just imagine how I feel now!

Anyway, Heather is safely "home", Donna is loved, and Lauren has a hairy boyfriend, gettin' scary Luke.

Another post

2007-11-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently someone (cough-Donna) thinks I don't write in my blog often enough. Oooo that's rich. Hello Kettle, meet Pot!

Well, I didn't get my Donna fix today. I guess sleep was more important. Sheesh! Whatever! Actually, while I would have gladly talked with her, I'm equally glad she is (hopefully) sleeping instead. I really don't want her to come down with pneumonia before she gets home, not that I ever want her to have it here or anywhere, it's just that?! Whatever, you know what I mean!

Not much has gone one since yesterday, got up, went to work, worked, now I'm home. But nothing awful happened in between so that's something to be grateful for. Oooo 'cept Heather's flight from Tel Aviv was cancelled.

God, please bring Heather and her traveling companions home safely and soon. Please keep Cyndi and Chuck's worry to a minimum and give them peace about it. By Your Will, God and in Jesus' name, Amen

So ya, every day brings Donna's arrival closer. Yessss! Woot Woot! It will be so great to have the girls home so I can give them a big hug, I miss them all.

Anyway, gotta make dinner, my family is starving or something.

So close I can taste it

2007-11-26T18:54:00.001-08:00

That's how close it is to Donna coming home. It has been a really long time since I've written in my blog. I keep looking at it and going, nope, don't feel like it. I figured if Donna posted in her blog I better or she'll have bragging rights when she gets home.

So, it's Christmas time. In MY house, or at least in my heart, Christmas time starts November 1st and doesn't end until January 2nd. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! And this year I have more reason than usual to be happy. Jo is doing well in school, I'm in a job that makes me feel like I'm appreciated, my hubby of 23 years is still the love of my life, and Donna will be back in plenty of time. LIFE IS SWEET!!!

The lights are on the house, the tree is up but not decorated (waiting for Donna to join us) I have fun things planned the whole month of December, I've started my presents shopping, and I pretty much know what I'm getting for people. And I've talked to Donna on skype for the last two days in a row!

So, all in all I'm a happy woman. Thank you Jesus, I surely don't deserve it, but I'll definitely take it!

Fire

2007-10-23T08:55:00.001-07:00

Wow, this really takes me back to the last time. It was Donna's 16th birthday and she had Lauren spend the night on that Saturday since her birthday fell on a Sunday. I woke up and went out to get some last minute gifts (okay, I didn't have time to shop so I was buying her real gifts that day) and was greeted by an orange sky with a decidedly smoky smell to it. We were out of work and school all week that time and it came within a half mile of my house.

This time is much worse and much better in some ways. The magnitude this time is much greater. Fires in the North County and South County and pretty much to the east of us as well. Yet they are far enough away that we actually have pretty good air quality in comparison. There is not a whisper of wind where we are at and the wind has been the fires friend and our foe from the start. We are better prepared to evacuate than the last time. I'm worried but not out of my mind with it like the last time.

I'm just glad Donna will be spending her birthday in England this year. I never thought I'd say that, glad that my baby will spend her birthday away from me. But I am. I'm glad she will be spending it with a group of people that will enjoy Hamfest with her. Glad that she will have a boyfriend to share it with this time. Glad that she is safe and away from this craziness.

Jo seems to be taking it in stride. She's not a panicky person by nature...unless there is a bee or just about any flying insect around. Then she pretty much pegs out the meter of losing it. But the fires, meh!, nothin' but a thing. It certainly makes it easier for us 'rentals.

So if we have to evacuate we will be moving to our "yacht" at Silver Strand. We have an old 25' sail boat that can house us but it will be very tight quarters. Much like a jail cell, so ya, I'm praying the fires (more than ever before) don't reach us.

I hope this ends soon, there are a lot of good people out there that have lost their homes, let's hope there won't be many more.

AHHHHH!

2007-10-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

Donna please write more! That's it, period.

okay, new pics too, please!

It's time

2007-10-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

I wrote another blog.

Well, things have been busy in casa de Blaisdell. Homecoming dances, birthdays, and just plain day to day living. I haven't been grocery shopping in 3 weeks. But today is the day. The days fly by as always but the weeks drag on. I have tons of stuff to do at work. I feel like a cartoon character where their feet and legs are nothing but a swirly circle, yet they are getting nowhere. I put one project to bed and 3 more pop up. It's like the line from a Steven Curtis Chapman song, I'd pull my hair if I could just get one hand free. But it keeps my work day from getting boring and me on my knees in prayer. God has had my captive attention consistently like never before.

I love autumn, it's such a wonderful time of year, nice warm days, cool nights. I can cook things in the oven again without feeling like I'm the one roasting. My thoughts turn to baking cookies and bread. Just my thoughts however, I'm such a procrastinator!

Bible study has been fab. I really like inductive study, gets to the meat of the bible, not just the milk, if ya know what I mean.

Well, grocery shopping, cookie baking, and family loving is calling me.

Ciao!

Hey it's my birthday day!

2007-09-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Yep, another year older and not much wiser. Had a great day so far, God was particularly sweet to me. Talked to Donna and got my first happy birthday of the day from her. My sister and my brother called, great sermon at church, fab worship (guest singer and all my favorite worship songs), good lunch, gonna have a great dinner, the sun is shining and I feel loved by all my family and my good friends (thanks Cyndi for yesterday and your ewishes today).

God blesses us every day, it's whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. I praise you God, not just because I'm called to do it out of obedience, but because I truly want to. You really are the ultimate father and I'm glad I'm your child.

Autumn is here, kinda

2007-09-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it is autumn here. We haven't had true summer-like weather since the end of August. But still, the nights aren't chilly enough to really call it autumn. Maybe it's more like we are fall-ing into autumn (I know, groan). All I know is, it is my favorite time of the year weather-wise. My fave season was, is, and most likely always will be Christmas.

I guess I better start figuring out what we are going to do Thanksgiving since we are down to the 3 of us. Les said let's just go to Denny's. EWWWW!!! I'd rather go to McDonald's if we are going to go that route, which we aren't. Makes me wonder what it will be like when the girls are gone. I've always imagined big dinners at my place, all the grandkids and extended family gathered 'round. But who knows, I moved away from my mom to Guam. Now that I'm on the other end of the stick, I realize how lonely she must have been not having all of us kids together at holidays like when we were little.

Well, I guess I'll just have to make sure the girls want to stay near, not quite sure how I'll do that but I have at least a couple of years to figure it out.

Done been broked

2007-09-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

80 days has done been broked, yep, yep! It puts me 10 days closer to seen my Bun. I am near the eve of my birthday and it will be the first one I've spent separated from her in 20 years. Can't say that I like it, nor can I say it'll kill me. I need to get off before I get maudlin.

Around the world in 90 days

2007-09-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

So, three more hours until they'll be home in 90 days. Cyndi said time is flying this morning. I don't know if I agree. Time seems to have slowed down to a crawl in some ways for me. The weekends fly by and the evenings sail through, the days themselves crawl. I sooo just want for her to be home. I'm missing Donna so much. I know when she gets home she'll be in my pocket for 2 maybe 3 days and then she'll be back to her usual schedule of never home. But at least I'll have access to her. I can look in her room and see her sleeping. I haven't been this lonesome for her since she first left.

Maybe because the conversation we had this morning sparked it. She is feeling discouraged with life away from home in a foreign land and misses familiar things. It's part of the process of being gone. I went through the same thing when I moved to Guam, except it's an US Territory so some things were the same. I missed milk, the milk plant on island reconstituted their milk with coconut milk, yuk. I like coconut but not all dairy products are supposed to taste like it. So anyway, on a small scale, I can relate.

I just pray for her to not be discouraged, it will pass and I pray for me to be encourage that she is safe in God's arms. If they can't be mine, what better ones to snuggle in?

I love you Bun.

Yikes!

2007-09-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, that last post sounds angry. It's not how I meant it, I'm just worried and scared and that what I sound like when I get this way.

Sorry.

Boy was I wrong

2007-09-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

So I said I would be fine once they got to York. Except I hadn't heard much from them since Bath, so ya, Sunday or Monday is the last time I've have more than a "Hi, we're here and we are alive." conversation with Donna. In fact the last time I had any contact with her was Thursday afternoon around 2:30, I got a couple of texts. I've texted her 3 times and left a message on her cell, which did ring and not go straight to voice mail. I'm not sure whether to be nervous for her well being or ticked or???

This is just so incredibly FRUSTRATING!!!

Okay, so it's lunchtime there, maybe they are getting settled into their flat and checking York out, though I would think she'd have her phone on her. Or maybe they went to London to pick up their luggage they left behind at Scott's, who by the way, is a SAINT! But even if that was true, she would still have her phone on her. So I can take this two ways, maybe three. 1)She doesn't have her phone on her because it's charging. 2)She does have her phone on but can't answer it because...(I got nuthin, I don't know why she wouldn't answer her phone). Or 3)The old favorite my brain dredges up, she can't answer the phone because she's a)been kidnapped and is having awful things done to her, b)been hit by a lorry and her phone was lost in the rush to get her to the hospital, or c)simply laying dead in a ditch.

Ya, that is but a small insight as to what goes on in my very fertile brain when I don't hear from my loved ones. With Les, her dad, it was always, he got smeared on the freeway and they were having trouble identifying him to call his closest of kin.

Donna, do me a favor and just send me a long email telling me what's been going on the last few days so I'll be put out of my misery.

I love you a lot....more than you know.

Mom

State of the onion

2007-08-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I might be able to handle this whole thing. But I will still be happier once they get to the college. I know they are having so much fun and experiencing life but I am after all, a mom, and safety comes first!

Donna has been pretty good about letting me know her whereabouts and talks with me nearly every day. I can't believe tomorrow will make a week. My instinct is to hurry through the next four months but I know there is much to be done and learned on a myriad of levels.

Keep me on the straight and narrow God. My goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus and before I know it, when I look up, it'll be time to pick them up from the airport.

Day 1 of my Bantu Death Wait/JK

2007-08-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Donna knows what this means, girls. Just ask her after she quits laughing.

So yesterday was one of the toughest days I've ever endured in my life. Now, to understand the tough day standings in the world of Mama J, let me explain. I've lived through these people dying; starting with the first one passing away when I was 9 yrs. old, in chronological order: my grandpa (paternal), father, sister, grandma (paternal), uncle/aunt/uncle (within 3 months of each other), grandpa (maternal), mother, and grandma (maternal), the last one died when I was 35. Let me tell you in all honesty, Donna's leaving was just as painful as any of those deaths, at least it was during yesterday.

I finally made a deal with God yesterday, late afternoon. Here's how it went, it's rather complicated so stay with me. Okay, ya ready? Okay, so God would let me be numb, not feel anything, so I could stop crying and what I would bring to the table was that I'd keep breathing. God took the deal and I kept my side of the bargain. I'm thinking God made out on this one. Not that I had intended on ending my life, it just hurt to exist and still does off and on throughout the day.

Today I woke up to my alarm ringing and instantly realized I had NOT received the promised call around 2 am letting me know they had arrived in England. 'So roight, I'll call her. Ummm, her phone is going straight to voice mail. Okay, now I go straight to panic mode. I'm on the computer checking out the American Airlines site to see if the plane landed or crashed. Donna called while I was in the process. All of the sudden my heart could slow and begin to beat normally; my baby girl is safe.

My day started rough at work, only because I was still so very rung out from yesterday's cryathon. Trepidatiously, I'm thinking I might make it, lest I get too confident. Since first contact this morning, Donna has called once more and texted me as well. I'll be talking through Skype with her my tonight/her morning.

While it is not all sunshine and butterflies today, I can at least talk about the whole thing with out bursting into tears. The tears are there, but I am able to keep them at bay. Yesterday, fugidaboudit, I couldn't go more than five minutes without crying-until I made my deal with God. And oh yes, I had been praying/begging for His/Jesus/Holy Ghost's help, mercy, grace, you name it, I asked for that type of help. God enjoys a good covenant and that one was a sure thing.

So, tomorrow I'll wake up, remember Donna's gone, hopefully only feel sad, maybe cry. But I know that I can make it as long as I pray and hold my breath. Okay, maybe not hold my breath, but deep breathing is definitely NOT on the menu for the next four months!

Father God,

I'm so glad I have You to lean on and to rely on. Please forgive anything that might have offended You during my story time, it was not my intent. I praise You and thank You for Your grace and mercy.

I love You Poppa God,

Amen

Who was that woman?

2007-08-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

This morning-hectic, fraught with tension and worries was a comedy of errors, where the laughs fell flat. Breakfast was on the agenda but no one was very hungry for food. We were more hungry to scrape every morsel of time with our girls that we could pry loose and savor.

The airport parking was a major surprise, but the tenacious were rewarded. Checking the bags and getting checked in was a pain but finally sorted. Donna got a break on her overweight bag (I swear we weighed it last night and it was under 50 lbs.) and was not charged for those 2 extra pounds.

Then we got to relax in McDonald's for 40 minutes until we had to say our good byes. How did the time from my begrudgingly agreeing that "Yes, God, I'm ready to stop praying they don't go." to the flight today go so incredibly fast? I've kept telling myself since yesterday, it's not possible that she'll be gone for four whole months. What am I going to do?

Letting go of the girls was so very hard. Letting go of the tears was so very easy. Stopping the flow, not so easy. Rivers of tears have been cried already and I fear I have oceans more in me yet to be released. It's times like this that I wish I was more pragmatic and cold. Feeling this much is just too painful, like a raw wound splashed with salt water, it sears.

Abba God, I can't even begin to imagine the agony you felt for your Son, cut off from You as Jesus hung from the cross, unable to help or even acknowledge Him until He died. Because as horrible and helpless as I feel now, how much more magnified was Your pain. Teach me God, to rely on You, Jesus be my shelter and comforter, Holy Spirit, lift my head when I cannot.

You gave me a life-line with Cyndi and Lori, my partners in this four month wait. I know (in my mind) our daughters started their day as girls. But they didn't climb on the plane that way. Let me tell you a little tale. When I was pregnant with Jo, Donna was still a baby (eighteen months). She remained a baby to me until I walked back through our door with Jo. Magically, the daughter I had left less than 24 hours before had become a big girl. She hadn't changed from the two year old I left, but my perception of her had. Today, when Donna walked through that metal detector and came through the other side, she magically became a young adult woman; confident and capable just as she has been raised to be. Not because she hasn't been that for awhile, but it takes her leaving me to realize that.

Okay, it's time. I have to blow my nose, pull up my socks, and get a grip. Otherwise, the next four months are going to be excruciating and I still have a daughter and husband at home who need me. Not the mental me I've been for the last week, but the one who can "hang" in the toughest of times. I'll just pray and pray, wait for the Troika to come home, and let God teach me what it is I need to learn. All I can say is that it must be a humdinger.

That's not the wind whistling by!

2007-08-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I had a great time last weekend. Our family spent the day at Silver Strand with Heather's family and friends. We ate, played Boggle, ate, talked, ate, walked in the surf, ate, played volleyball, ate, sat around the fire, and ate some more. Then Sunday was church, shopping with Donna, Heather, and Cyndi for shoes (it was C's bday) and then a movie.

Good times.

But this is week is flying by waaaaay too fast, hurtling me towards a very difficult Wednesday next week. I keep thinking, "Next Wednesday they go!" in the idle mental moments at work when I'm doing something that takes no thought process at all. I can only hope that the time that Donna is gone moves equally as fast. My logic keeps telling me that it's only four months and then she'll be home, but my heart is unwilling to listen. It is such a stubborn thing, prone to bruising easily and, quite frankly, just as easily torn in two.

Donna, pray for me as I pray for you. Pray God's will for me, that I would hear his voice whispering words of comfort while you are gone. That this season of departure would help me grow closer, to rely, and to seek Him more diligently.

I love you Bun, come back safe to me.

Wow-this hurts

2007-08-04T20:12:00.001-07:00

I keep telling Donna I don't want to talk about her leaving because it will make me cry. But it really doesn't matter if we don't talk about it, I can't seem to quit crying about it anyway. The closer it gets the harder it is. So I need to pray, pray for peace about this, acceptance, contentment, and maybe even to feel the excitement and sheer joy my baby girl will know when she steps on terra firma of England. I need to pray for perspective, you are not going off to war or moving indefinitely (Les pointed that out to me) you are going away on an adventure with God and thank Him you will be coming back.

It's just so scary letting go, like letting you take those first few steps across the floor to your daddy, holding my breath that you wouldn't fall and crack your head. But your Abba Daddy will be holding your hand the whole way there and back, so I just need to relax and trust God, just trust God.

"Be still, and know that I am God"
Psalm 46:10

Amor

2007-08-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Donna is going on a trip to Mexico to finish building some houses this weekend, they call it an Amor trip. Four extremely long days of me worrying about her because she won't be able to call to say she's safe (no microwave towers). At least when she goes to York she can call or email.

Please pray that the group is bless by this mini mission and that everyone remains safe, healthy, uninjured, and has a great time.

Pray for me that I don't worry excessively, I'm gonna worry, it's just how much.

Thanks.

Da beach

2007-07-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

So I went to Silver Strand with Donna to spend time with Mamma Fair and her crew. I had a great time. We watched Donna build a sand castle and generally enjoyed the sounds and sights of the ocean, played Boggle (no, I did not win, Cyndi did), talked, laughed (a lot), and tortured/grilled Luke Harrington with "Momma" questions.

I went walking with Chloe and Cyndi and I spent time with some wonderful people that I would happily do it again. I think Chloe has finally accepted me...maybe.

Spending time with Cyndi really made me realize just how much I missed her friendship while I was away in Colorado. It's funny how quickly someone can become important to you in such a short time. I know that the Momma group is going to be vitally important to me for the next 6 months and beyond. God is so good a putting the right people together to suit each others personalities and needs. He is truly awesome.

La Poema

2007-07-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

Per the request of one devoted reader of my blog, here is the poem my friend Suzie wrote for me:

Because I love you...

When you're sad, if you're blue
know that she's (Donna) still loving you

No matter how far, no matter how long
You'll always be her #1-one and only-Awesome Mom.

By
Suzette Drake

Now you know why we've been friends for over 20 years now.

Annnnd we're back!

2007-07-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

So, we're back from our trip to CO and proudly proclaim that we have a new addition to the clan. Ayden James Kravitsky was born on Friday 7/20/07. And what a handsome boy is he.

We had a great time there, enjoyed family and relaxed. We didn't go much of anywhere, but that's okay cuz my favorite part is the visiting not the going to stuff. Had some great talks, warm and fuzzies abounded.

Even the travel wasn't a supreme drag, at least not for me. But I'm crazy and like to fly sooo draw your own conclusions.

Doing the count down on Donna's departure, even though I really try not to. And I really try not to. My friend Suzie sent me a wonderful poem about Donna and I that she wrote for me and a really cute stuffed frog holding another really small stuffed frog. That bad boy will be dog- earred by the time BeeAre gets home.

Work is beyond crazy right now. I literally don't have enough hours in the day to get it all done and like Big Lots, more stuff arrives daily by the truck load. Pray for my sanity at this point, cuz He's the only one who is gonna get me through this.

Gettin' on a plane

2007-07-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

So we are taking off today on our vacation. Apparently Donna and I are the only ones excited. Les and Jo seem to think it will be the Visit of Doom. All I know is I get to see my sis, my niece, and her new baby boy...whenever he is born.

I'm packing my bible, a new development for me. I need to get a lighter travel bible if I'm going to continue this trend. Anyway, I figure Donna and I can figure out some sort of mini bible study or something.

Well, I guess what this is all about is pray for us, the Blaisdell-Ruden-Kravitsky family. Safe travel, harmonious co-existence, and safe birthing for my niece Aundrea.

I love you all my friends-God Bless

Miss me!

4th of July!

2007-07-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, here it is, Independence Day. Donna is working Santee Salutes and the rest of the fambly is hanging at home. We made pork ribs (perfection!) corn on the cob, butterflied center-cut pork loin chops, herbed potatoes, and mini loaves of bread. So good!

We had a dip in the pool before Donna had to go to work and spent some QT together. It's been warm here today, but not scorching like they predicted. All in all, a good day.

Only cruddy thing about it is we have to go back to work tomorrow, ugh. I guess the bright side of this is that we have jobs to go to and that is better than some folks. I know, it's a stretch, work with me will ya!

Anyway, I'm glad I do live in the USA, lots of personal freedoms and definitely the Land of Plenty. Thank you God for your graciousness, how you bless me and mine.

Check out the new name

2007-06-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been racking my brain for my name that rhymes with Bear, Pear and Square. I thought Momma Flair or even Eclair (since I have such a sweet tooth). It came to me when I was writing an message to Heather, I wanted to sign off in my name and it hit me...Momma Scare. Not because I am such scarey person, but because I am often secretly (and not so secretly) fearful of what life has to hold instead of laying down at Jesus' feet where it belongs.

Most people have no idea how much of my persona is facade and how little it is of true courage. But that's the beauty of it, courage is not something you have, it's something acquired. Faith is the key to getting it and prayer is the way to keep it. The Holy Spirit will not let you down if you are earnest in your request, willing to spend a bit of time letting down your guard, and letting Him in.

Sorry, I dropped off the planet for awhile

2007-06-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

Yea...so I got whatever Jo got and it nailed me hard. I'm still wimpy around the edges butcha can't keep a tough broad like me down! Not much going on, Jo's last day of school was today. She is TOTALLY thrilled about it.

I am swamped beyond belief at work and there is no relief in sight. I'm going in early tomorrow just to get some stuff done without being bombarded from all sides.

Donna was very grouchy yesterday, not sure what that was all about.

We are getting our breaker box fixed soon so we won't have to keep moving the same 50 foot bright orange industrial extension cord around from the microwave to the coffeemaker then the dishwasher. I don't EVEN want to know what that is going to cost.

Okay, so it's a boring blog, no one forced you to read it, so don't blame me! Neener Neener!

Latah

What? I'm sorry I can't hear you!

2007-05-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

So Jo has been sick since Wednesday. Fever, achy, chills, sore throat, and generally feeling lousy. She started yanking on her ear yesterday and we all know what that means! What you don't, well you must not have had kids yet...it means an ear infection.

I took her to Kaiser tonight and she will be taking two MONSTER SIZED horse pills (I think they would choke a horse, they are that big) a day and drops for her ear. The appointment was late and when we finally got home I dosed her with the pills, got her into bed, and wrangled her until I got all of the droplettes into her ear. She had to sit still for 5 minutes to ensure maximum absorption, which was almost more than she could take. Finally, she could move about and proceeded to try to dab the excess fluid out of her ear until I suggested she roll over to get it all out. Something about the way she was reacting to the drops in her ear reminded me of my sister Donna. When we were living together I would nurse her when she got sick. Jo just mirrored some of Donna's reactions so perfectly it was kinda eery.

Anyway, as wierd as it may sound, I like it when Jo is sick because she allows me to mother her. She also lets her guard down and laughs at my jokes instead of acting like they are lame. She actually told me she thinks I am funny normally but she is usually strong enough to catch herself from reacting to it. I don't know whether to be happy or upset. So I guess I'll just take this gift God has given me and accept it as a good thing. I really like the direction we are moving in lately, even when she isn't ill.

Well it's late and I need to get my hienie into bed, 5:30 comes early. Do me a favor, if you read this before Saturday 5/26, pray for Jo to get well and that she remembers to take ALL of her medication.

Here we go!

2007-05-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I've delayed this as long as I could. My first blog...wow. Let's get this straight right from the beginning, I've always had trouble journaling. That's what this is folks, don't fool your self by using the term "blog". It's the same stuff you had to do in 3rd grade when your teacher said, "Okay class, get your journals out and start writing!" ARGGGH!!! Brain seize... thoughts?! What are thoughts?! I always froze up with a vicious case of writer's block. Pretty sad when you're writing career is washed up at 8 years old.

I have progressed since then, I unravel a incredible non-tale of drivel now, mostly free associating really. But I digress...

So the Terrible Trio, the Troika if you will, are going to jump "the pond" mid August. They will take three hearts with them filled with love, hope, and trepidation. But like the other "Moms", I will be excited for my daughter (Donna) as well. The incredibly cool stuff they will see and experience, it boggles my mind. I wish I had telepathy so that I could see it through her eyes as she experiences it.

I know God has some fantastic things in store for them as well as for all of us here at home. A serious season of growth for all. I get the funny feeling that this is God's way of prying my fingers off her hand so that she can finally be the wonderful adult that He knows she will be. He knows just what kind of ninny I am when it comes to my kids. Just how hard it is for me to let them grow up. I guess it takes an ocean for me to allow her this final whack at the umbilicus.

It will also bring me to my knees before Him, right where I should be. God knows just how hard my head is and where to poke me to get my attention. And boy does He have it now! My most fervent prayers are always about my girls. Keep them safe, help them make the right decisions, don't let a lunatic get them, let them find good Christian friends, let a good Christian guy come into their life, keep them well, help them to concentrate during their tests, Lord the prayer list of a mother is endless. I truely could go on and on. The one I've never prayed is help me to let them go...until now. So...

Father, I pray that you give me the sense to let Donna go with joy. I'll need you more than ever to keep the enemy from playing with my mind and emotions. Through prayer I will learn to rely on Your wisdom more each day and enjoy Your guidance, comfort, and grace. I know that You will be with Donna always and by Your will, she will come back home safe full of wonderful tales, thoughts, and experiences.

In Jesus name and by His blood,

Amen

Okay, so this one was a liiiiittle heavy this time. Don't worry, I'm too much of a clown to be so maudlin all of the time.