Nearly half way there

Praise the Lord, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost! So far, so good. They made it to Bonnie's last night and were in bed by 9:30 pm. I just got a call and they had a good night's sleep and going out to breakfast with Bonnie before they take off for Oklahoma. So they will have a warm meal and a good beginning before they take off. The ride is much shorter today and at the end, they will stop at Bonnie's for another night of rest before they take off again on Saturday morning. That means, if all goes well, they should be home very early on Sunday.

My head says relax, but my heart says they're not home yet. Plenty of things could still happen. But at least I'm not nearly as anxious as I was before. This is the part of being a parent that is so difficult for me. I know they are not children anymore and I was on my own, mostly, at this age. At some point I have to trust that they are smart enough (they are) to figure things out and that I've imparted enough of my wisdom and paranoia to evade most dangers.

That leaves me with trusting that God has more for my girls to do on this earth. That He's not quite ready to bring them home. Some Christians have a disdain for those who don't fall in line with the idea of, if the person who died is saved, why are you sad and not rejoicing? My personal belief is that God does not expect you to be happy that your loved one is dead. I believe He knows that you cannot help but be monumentally upset at your loss and that the idea that that person is now with Jesus is something that comforts the mourner. In other words, the one true blessed thing out of their loved one being gone. But to not mourn their passing at all, inconceivable! The most callous remark I ever received was from (not current) my pastor's mom. She, in one of those flippant and dismissive tones remarked, "She's better off now, she's with Jesus!" As if I should snap out of my loss and that mourning my mom (who had passed merely 5 days before at the age of 61) was utterly ridiculous. As you can see, it still burns and stings 16 years later. I don't know if she realized just how flip she was at the time or how it was almost like a physical blow when she said it to a new relatively new Christian. But it has always stuck with me, obviously, and you can bet that I'm very careful when and if I say it to anyone who has just lost their loved one.

I have plenty of faith, and if you know me at all, you know that much is true. Faith that my whole belief system is true and I rarely question it's validity. But my faith that God will stop others evil just to save me grief, ummm...not so strong. I'm a good portion of Irish, bad things like rain in Seattle, it's gonna fall, it's just a matter of when and how much. I have total trust that He will see me through my trials, but there will be trials and plenty of them.

I hope and pray that God knows that my children are one of those things that the loss of would be the end of me. I don't think I'd renounce God (never say never) but I think I'd certainly be a very bitter person, or just check out entirely until it was my time to go.

Anyway, I know the enemy is preying on my ultimate fear, and that to allow him that much power is foolish and playing right into his hands. All of this is true, except while wallowing in my fear I also cry out to my God and Savior, the Lifters of my spirit and the Protectors of my girls. I continuously throughout the day pray for their safety and to help me to be strengthened by Their might and not rely on my own. For They are the true power and by seeking Them, and only Them, will I find any kind of relief from my worries.

Praise Jesus that we have Him to run to for safety and and comfort, all else is a weak imitation, unreliable at best.

This is soul sucking

So I'm waiting for her to leave, hoping they change their minds and not go. Jo's coming down with something now, most likely a cold. Great, just what a person needs when they are driving nearly non stop to Oklahoma.

My heart is so heavy right now, I am so worried about them going and making it back in one piece. I keep asking the Holy Spirit if she'll be okay and make it home safe. I keep getting the answer - yes. But is it my wishful thinking or truly the Holy Spirit? Am I just fooling myself to keep myself from going crazy from worry? Or am I just being a totally faithless idiot and not allowing myself to be comforted by Jesus.

I guess I'll find out sometime between now and Sunday in the wee hours. We will either get a phone call from them, the highway patrol, my sister-in-law or no calls and no girls on our door step or the girls walking in the door dead on their feet from exhaustion and chattering away like maniacs with a bunch of silly stories that make them laugh.

Please God, let it be the last one. I pray this with all my heart. You alone know the depth and breadth of my fears when it comes to my girls. Please let the next few days pass quickly, without incident. Just bring her back to me in the shape she left here.

I'd like to say "That's all I have to say about that." But I'll stop blogging about it for today.

Here we go again

Jo's best friend, Sparky, is married to Morgan. Morgan is graduating from Army boot camp on Friday. Sparky wants to be there when he does, only problem is, boot camp is in Oklahoma. Even if she flies, it's a 6 hour drive from the airport to the base. So rather than fly, rent a car, see him for 2 hours, then drive and fly back to San Diego, she wants to drive there and back to save some cash. Ridiculous.

Anyway, she asked Jo to go with her to help with driving, etc. And Jo, being her best friend said, of course, I'd love to go! It's a bad idea for either of them to go for a myriad of reasons but they can't be swayed.

So here we are, once again, one of my daughters off on a trip that is guaranteed to rip my heart out until they are home safe. Jo holds on to the belief (and dearly I might add) that I love Donna more that her and that if she were to go on a risky trip, I would be right as rain about it. So not true.

Once more it feels like I'll never see her again and that the only way I can liken how I feel is that once she's on her way, all I will be able to do is mourn her. Sounds idiotic, I know, but I can't describe it any other way. I am, to baldly put it, terrified. See, this time it's not a trip where she will be seeking Jesus and trained professionals will not be assisting my girl on her travel.

They plan to drive straight through in shifts to my sister-in-laws place in Texas for a short "layover" then off to Fort Sill. And after they do and see what they planned to, they will reverse the trip. I can't tell you just how sick I am at this prospect. So, once again, I have to pray that God will protect my daughter and bring her home alive and well.

It's not God that I don't trust, it's all of the weirdos and perverts and criminally stupid people out there in the world. Jo, no doubt, just thinks I don't trust her. I just love her, and the idea of anything happening...well, I just can't bear the thought.

So, please pray for them, and pray for me. Hopefully God will remember the deal we have going. My kids don't die or become vegetative before I do, and I keep my sanity and don't take a long walk on a short pier.