Donna and Aaron are home for their first visit since moving out. If you notice I use the words visit and home in the same sentence. How do you visit your home? It's like an oxymoron, picked apart it doesn't make any sense why they are together. Because this is their home, and yet it isn't.
I'm having a tough time with this weirdness this morning. Two of the people I love the most are sleeping on the couches right now like refugees instead of their bed in their bedroom across the hall from me. It's been a while since I've felt palpably upset that they are all moved out and on their own.
I gotta say that I am a smidge bitter that of all of the parents of the multiple couples that married this summer, we are the only ones that don't get to have the opportunity to make easy plans to see our lovebirds on a whim or even easily. It's like a military campaign-okay men, let's synchronize our watches...now!
But I am grateful that they are down here, even though they are still sleeping from their evening of shenanigans and tomfoolery with their friends. That sounds more craven that it actually is, their group has a tendency to be sillier rather than worldly.
Heather Pepin (nee Ozuna) said it best, (and I paraphrase) the Lord is not through with me yet. He is still ever stretching me, molding me, and making me grow. Mainly because, if left to my own devices, I'll sit here like a lump, hiding under a blanket, happy with my status quo and fearful to stick a big toe out into the cold cruel world. My mother taught me in action and attitude rather than word that if you don't go looking for trouble, it may find you but it takes long and it needs to find a map first to get there.
I know that's not true and God is waiting for me to look up and take claim to His promises and enjoy the gifts that He has to offer me. I only have to flip that blanket back and take the first step. So no more feeling sorry for what I don't have, but be happy for what I do.
They are here and they are spending the whole day with me until they have to go home tonight to get ready for work tomorrow. And we will be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas as well this year. We will be making presents together for others and...well, let's just say we have plans.
Thank you Father, I'm here in my "home" visiting You for the moment. But soon I'll go back to where I dwell most of the time, in mine. I like yours better, Daddy.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I must be weird
It has been a week since Donna and Aaron have moved out and I haven't shed a single tear in two days. In fact, I walked into their old bedroom and instead of ghosts of them, I saw possibilities of how I could set up the room to better serve my needs.
Does this make me a bad Mom or just resilient? It's not that I don't miss them, I do, terribly! I guess it must be that to continue to mourn their leaving is just as harmful to me as it is for them. I am still sad when there is something I want to tell her and she's not there. I'm not sure when it is appropriate to call or text anymore since I don't know her work schedule and I don't want to wake her. We'll get into a rhythm soon (hopefully) and it won't be so hard, but for now, it feels like being in limbo or walking on sand, the footing is definitely not secure.
Anyway, just thought I'd report this, I guess to make it more real to me.
Does this make me a bad Mom or just resilient? It's not that I don't miss them, I do, terribly! I guess it must be that to continue to mourn their leaving is just as harmful to me as it is for them. I am still sad when there is something I want to tell her and she's not there. I'm not sure when it is appropriate to call or text anymore since I don't know her work schedule and I don't want to wake her. We'll get into a rhythm soon (hopefully) and it won't be so hard, but for now, it feels like being in limbo or walking on sand, the footing is definitely not secure.
Anyway, just thought I'd report this, I guess to make it more real to me.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tears
It didn’t really hit me until I came home and walked in the door. Their rooms are so empty. I've woke up in the middle of the night knowing my life will profoundly, never be the same. I know you understand the relationship that Donna and I have. You share one the same with Heather, Cyndi.
They are not just our children, they are that first one, that first child. The one who made you understand, come to a revelation that there was someone in this world that you would do anything for to make sure their safety was ensured. The one that made you grow up suddenly and become a lioness and a bear for them. They taught you a love so fierce that it’s indescribable. Once you had them, you knew that your life would profoundly, never be same. They paved the way for the other children, they were that little, helpless being that made you feel such joy, just holding their tiny little bodies in your arms, that you thought you might pass out from it. And each one after that, you knew just how precious they would be to you.
So how do I reconcile my nights and days now? How do I get up in the morning knowing that I'm...I've had literally 4 or 5 words come to mind and they are all inadequate to describe just of what little use I am in her life now. She has to be left alone to become the woman she is meant to be. She is not an experiment to poke, tweak, or adjust so that she is continued to be molded into what I believe she should become. She has to walk this part of the journey apart from me in order for her to solidify into a fully functioning adult, capable of handling all that life throws at her.
Don't get me wrong, she is ready for this, I'm not. I'm not ready to let her go! I accept in my head that I have to, I really don't have a choice in it. But my heart, that traitorous, self indulgent thing, it just refuses to accept that fact. It finds new ways to make me weep and mourn my new status as a bit player in Donna's life.
Right now, I understand why cutters cut themselves. At least then I would have physical pain to focus on right now. That I could channel this ache in my heart into a tangible thing that I could nurse and eventually heal from. I'm way to chicken to ever do it, it wouldn't solve anything. I know that I am a realist and will eventually pull up my mental socks and keep on trudging until I can get over this.
But right now, right now I have the biggest, dullest jagged knife in my heart. That twists and twists, bringing with it new shocks of pain and sorrow with every twist. Bottomless wells of tears slide down my cheeks, and the pain just does not dull. I'm sure it will, I've had more than enough experience with heartache to know that I will be able to move on. That God and time will help to heal my soul.
Now, here in this seemingly endless hour of self pity and despair, it feels like it will never end.
They are not just our children, they are that first one, that first child. The one who made you understand, come to a revelation that there was someone in this world that you would do anything for to make sure their safety was ensured. The one that made you grow up suddenly and become a lioness and a bear for them. They taught you a love so fierce that it’s indescribable. Once you had them, you knew that your life would profoundly, never be same. They paved the way for the other children, they were that little, helpless being that made you feel such joy, just holding their tiny little bodies in your arms, that you thought you might pass out from it. And each one after that, you knew just how precious they would be to you.
So how do I reconcile my nights and days now? How do I get up in the morning knowing that I'm...I've had literally 4 or 5 words come to mind and they are all inadequate to describe just of what little use I am in her life now. She has to be left alone to become the woman she is meant to be. She is not an experiment to poke, tweak, or adjust so that she is continued to be molded into what I believe she should become. She has to walk this part of the journey apart from me in order for her to solidify into a fully functioning adult, capable of handling all that life throws at her.
Don't get me wrong, she is ready for this, I'm not. I'm not ready to let her go! I accept in my head that I have to, I really don't have a choice in it. But my heart, that traitorous, self indulgent thing, it just refuses to accept that fact. It finds new ways to make me weep and mourn my new status as a bit player in Donna's life.
Right now, I understand why cutters cut themselves. At least then I would have physical pain to focus on right now. That I could channel this ache in my heart into a tangible thing that I could nurse and eventually heal from. I'm way to chicken to ever do it, it wouldn't solve anything. I know that I am a realist and will eventually pull up my mental socks and keep on trudging until I can get over this.
But right now, right now I have the biggest, dullest jagged knife in my heart. That twists and twists, bringing with it new shocks of pain and sorrow with every twist. Bottomless wells of tears slide down my cheeks, and the pain just does not dull. I'm sure it will, I've had more than enough experience with heartache to know that I will be able to move on. That God and time will help to heal my soul.
Now, here in this seemingly endless hour of self pity and despair, it feels like it will never end.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Nearly half way there
Praise the Lord, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost! So far, so good. They made it to Bonnie's last night and were in bed by 9:30 pm. I just got a call and they had a good night's sleep and going out to breakfast with Bonnie before they take off for Oklahoma. So they will have a warm meal and a good beginning before they take off. The ride is much shorter today and at the end, they will stop at Bonnie's for another night of rest before they take off again on Saturday morning. That means, if all goes well, they should be home very early on Sunday.
My head says relax, but my heart says they're not home yet. Plenty of things could still happen. But at least I'm not nearly as anxious as I was before. This is the part of being a parent that is so difficult for me. I know they are not children anymore and I was on my own, mostly, at this age. At some point I have to trust that they are smart enough (they are) to figure things out and that I've imparted enough of my wisdom and paranoia to evade most dangers.
That leaves me with trusting that God has more for my girls to do on this earth. That He's not quite ready to bring them home. Some Christians have a disdain for those who don't fall in line with the idea of, if the person who died is saved, why are you sad and not rejoicing? My personal belief is that God does not expect you to be happy that your loved one is dead. I believe He knows that you cannot help but be monumentally upset at your loss and that the idea that that person is now with Jesus is something that comforts the mourner. In other words, the one true blessed thing out of their loved one being gone. But to not mourn their passing at all, inconceivable! The most callous remark I ever received was from (not current) my pastor's mom. She, in one of those flippant and dismissive tones remarked, "She's better off now, she's with Jesus!" As if I should snap out of my loss and that mourning my mom (who had passed merely 5 days before at the age of 61) was utterly ridiculous. As you can see, it still burns and stings 16 years later. I don't know if she realized just how flip she was at the time or how it was almost like a physical blow when she said it to a new relatively new Christian. But it has always stuck with me, obviously, and you can bet that I'm very careful when and if I say it to anyone who has just lost their loved one.
I have plenty of faith, and if you know me at all, you know that much is true. Faith that my whole belief system is true and I rarely question it's validity. But my faith that God will stop others evil just to save me grief, ummm...not so strong. I'm a good portion of Irish, bad things like rain in Seattle, it's gonna fall, it's just a matter of when and how much. I have total trust that He will see me through my trials, but there will be trials and plenty of them.
I hope and pray that God knows that my children are one of those things that the loss of would be the end of me. I don't think I'd renounce God (never say never) but I think I'd certainly be a very bitter person, or just check out entirely until it was my time to go.
Anyway, I know the enemy is preying on my ultimate fear, and that to allow him that much power is foolish and playing right into his hands. All of this is true, except while wallowing in my fear I also cry out to my God and Savior, the Lifters of my spirit and the Protectors of my girls. I continuously throughout the day pray for their safety and to help me to be strengthened by Their might and not rely on my own. For They are the true power and by seeking Them, and only Them, will I find any kind of relief from my worries.
Praise Jesus that we have Him to run to for safety and and comfort, all else is a weak imitation, unreliable at best.
My head says relax, but my heart says they're not home yet. Plenty of things could still happen. But at least I'm not nearly as anxious as I was before. This is the part of being a parent that is so difficult for me. I know they are not children anymore and I was on my own, mostly, at this age. At some point I have to trust that they are smart enough (they are) to figure things out and that I've imparted enough of my wisdom and paranoia to evade most dangers.
That leaves me with trusting that God has more for my girls to do on this earth. That He's not quite ready to bring them home. Some Christians have a disdain for those who don't fall in line with the idea of, if the person who died is saved, why are you sad and not rejoicing? My personal belief is that God does not expect you to be happy that your loved one is dead. I believe He knows that you cannot help but be monumentally upset at your loss and that the idea that that person is now with Jesus is something that comforts the mourner. In other words, the one true blessed thing out of their loved one being gone. But to not mourn their passing at all, inconceivable! The most callous remark I ever received was from (not current) my pastor's mom. She, in one of those flippant and dismissive tones remarked, "She's better off now, she's with Jesus!" As if I should snap out of my loss and that mourning my mom (who had passed merely 5 days before at the age of 61) was utterly ridiculous. As you can see, it still burns and stings 16 years later. I don't know if she realized just how flip she was at the time or how it was almost like a physical blow when she said it to a new relatively new Christian. But it has always stuck with me, obviously, and you can bet that I'm very careful when and if I say it to anyone who has just lost their loved one.
I have plenty of faith, and if you know me at all, you know that much is true. Faith that my whole belief system is true and I rarely question it's validity. But my faith that God will stop others evil just to save me grief, ummm...not so strong. I'm a good portion of Irish, bad things like rain in Seattle, it's gonna fall, it's just a matter of when and how much. I have total trust that He will see me through my trials, but there will be trials and plenty of them.
I hope and pray that God knows that my children are one of those things that the loss of would be the end of me. I don't think I'd renounce God (never say never) but I think I'd certainly be a very bitter person, or just check out entirely until it was my time to go.
Anyway, I know the enemy is preying on my ultimate fear, and that to allow him that much power is foolish and playing right into his hands. All of this is true, except while wallowing in my fear I also cry out to my God and Savior, the Lifters of my spirit and the Protectors of my girls. I continuously throughout the day pray for their safety and to help me to be strengthened by Their might and not rely on my own. For They are the true power and by seeking Them, and only Them, will I find any kind of relief from my worries.
Praise Jesus that we have Him to run to for safety and and comfort, all else is a weak imitation, unreliable at best.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
This is soul sucking
So I'm waiting for her to leave, hoping they change their minds and not go. Jo's coming down with something now, most likely a cold. Great, just what a person needs when they are driving nearly non stop to Oklahoma.
My heart is so heavy right now, I am so worried about them going and making it back in one piece. I keep asking the Holy Spirit if she'll be okay and make it home safe. I keep getting the answer - yes. But is it my wishful thinking or truly the Holy Spirit? Am I just fooling myself to keep myself from going crazy from worry? Or am I just being a totally faithless idiot and not allowing myself to be comforted by Jesus.
I guess I'll find out sometime between now and Sunday in the wee hours. We will either get a phone call from them, the highway patrol, my sister-in-law or no calls and no girls on our door step or the girls walking in the door dead on their feet from exhaustion and chattering away like maniacs with a bunch of silly stories that make them laugh.
Please God, let it be the last one. I pray this with all my heart. You alone know the depth and breadth of my fears when it comes to my girls. Please let the next few days pass quickly, without incident. Just bring her back to me in the shape she left here.
I'd like to say "That's all I have to say about that." But I'll stop blogging about it for today.
My heart is so heavy right now, I am so worried about them going and making it back in one piece. I keep asking the Holy Spirit if she'll be okay and make it home safe. I keep getting the answer - yes. But is it my wishful thinking or truly the Holy Spirit? Am I just fooling myself to keep myself from going crazy from worry? Or am I just being a totally faithless idiot and not allowing myself to be comforted by Jesus.
I guess I'll find out sometime between now and Sunday in the wee hours. We will either get a phone call from them, the highway patrol, my sister-in-law or no calls and no girls on our door step or the girls walking in the door dead on their feet from exhaustion and chattering away like maniacs with a bunch of silly stories that make them laugh.
Please God, let it be the last one. I pray this with all my heart. You alone know the depth and breadth of my fears when it comes to my girls. Please let the next few days pass quickly, without incident. Just bring her back to me in the shape she left here.
I'd like to say "That's all I have to say about that." But I'll stop blogging about it for today.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Here we go again
Jo's best friend, Sparky, is married to Morgan. Morgan is graduating from Army boot camp on Friday. Sparky wants to be there when he does, only problem is, boot camp is in Oklahoma. Even if she flies, it's a 6 hour drive from the airport to the base. So rather than fly, rent a car, see him for 2 hours, then drive and fly back to San Diego, she wants to drive there and back to save some cash. Ridiculous.
Anyway, she asked Jo to go with her to help with driving, etc. And Jo, being her best friend said, of course, I'd love to go! It's a bad idea for either of them to go for a myriad of reasons but they can't be swayed.
So here we are, once again, one of my daughters off on a trip that is guaranteed to rip my heart out until they are home safe. Jo holds on to the belief (and dearly I might add) that I love Donna more that her and that if she were to go on a risky trip, I would be right as rain about it. So not true.
Once more it feels like I'll never see her again and that the only way I can liken how I feel is that once she's on her way, all I will be able to do is mourn her. Sounds idiotic, I know, but I can't describe it any other way. I am, to baldly put it, terrified. See, this time it's not a trip where she will be seeking Jesus and trained professionals will not be assisting my girl on her travel.
They plan to drive straight through in shifts to my sister-in-laws place in Texas for a short "layover" then off to Fort Sill. And after they do and see what they planned to, they will reverse the trip. I can't tell you just how sick I am at this prospect. So, once again, I have to pray that God will protect my daughter and bring her home alive and well.
It's not God that I don't trust, it's all of the weirdos and perverts and criminally stupid people out there in the world. Jo, no doubt, just thinks I don't trust her. I just love her, and the idea of anything happening...well, I just can't bear the thought.
So, please pray for them, and pray for me. Hopefully God will remember the deal we have going. My kids don't die or become vegetative before I do, and I keep my sanity and don't take a long walk on a short pier.
Anyway, she asked Jo to go with her to help with driving, etc. And Jo, being her best friend said, of course, I'd love to go! It's a bad idea for either of them to go for a myriad of reasons but they can't be swayed.
So here we are, once again, one of my daughters off on a trip that is guaranteed to rip my heart out until they are home safe. Jo holds on to the belief (and dearly I might add) that I love Donna more that her and that if she were to go on a risky trip, I would be right as rain about it. So not true.
Once more it feels like I'll never see her again and that the only way I can liken how I feel is that once she's on her way, all I will be able to do is mourn her. Sounds idiotic, I know, but I can't describe it any other way. I am, to baldly put it, terrified. See, this time it's not a trip where she will be seeking Jesus and trained professionals will not be assisting my girl on her travel.
They plan to drive straight through in shifts to my sister-in-laws place in Texas for a short "layover" then off to Fort Sill. And after they do and see what they planned to, they will reverse the trip. I can't tell you just how sick I am at this prospect. So, once again, I have to pray that God will protect my daughter and bring her home alive and well.
It's not God that I don't trust, it's all of the weirdos and perverts and criminally stupid people out there in the world. Jo, no doubt, just thinks I don't trust her. I just love her, and the idea of anything happening...well, I just can't bear the thought.
So, please pray for them, and pray for me. Hopefully God will remember the deal we have going. My kids don't die or become vegetative before I do, and I keep my sanity and don't take a long walk on a short pier.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I think, therefore, I am
Apparently I haven't had one thought I wanted to put down for posterity since mid-March. But really that isn't true, I had hand surgery to recover from, then not one but two weddings to plan. Now I'm just a plain ol' citizen who gets to attend rather than throw the weddings. Ah, sweet relief!
Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoyed my day in the sun (celebrating my 25th) with all of the family, friends, and well wishers. It was truly a wonderful experience that I will cherish. AND, Donna and Aaron's wedding, FABULOUS! Meeting Aaron's kith and kin, watching my lovely daughter and handsome new son join in holy matrimony-there has been no sweeter moment with her since she was born.
I'm happy for all that went into it but I am ready for life to go back to "normal". My Saturday coffee klatches with my buddy Cyndi and only having to worry about 15 things I need to get done instead 30. Today feels like I'm forgetting something or like I have a missing limb, you know. Like that phantom limb feeling, it's still there but really it's gone. That is how I feel about sitting around doing nothing except laundry and contemplating grocery shopping, weird.
The wonderful girls from bible college go home to the East Coast today. Their Besties from the Westies are taking them out for one last Cali breakfast burrito before they take them to the airport. I'm so glad I got a chance to meet Tif, Steph, and Hannah. They are truly sweet, wonderful, and caring girls and I can easily see how Donna, Heather, and Lauren became so close to them while in York. It's more than the bible college experience, they will be life-long friends.
So yep, those are some of the thoughts rattling around in my teeny cranium today. That and how gracious God is to me, the blessings He pours out on me like a flowing river, washing away the trial and the angst of the weeks grinding labor to sit here and enjoy this beautiful day knowing how loved I am by Him. Thank you God, I think you are pretty cool Yourself!
Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoyed my day in the sun (celebrating my 25th) with all of the family, friends, and well wishers. It was truly a wonderful experience that I will cherish. AND, Donna and Aaron's wedding, FABULOUS! Meeting Aaron's kith and kin, watching my lovely daughter and handsome new son join in holy matrimony-there has been no sweeter moment with her since she was born.
I'm happy for all that went into it but I am ready for life to go back to "normal". My Saturday coffee klatches with my buddy Cyndi and only having to worry about 15 things I need to get done instead 30. Today feels like I'm forgetting something or like I have a missing limb, you know. Like that phantom limb feeling, it's still there but really it's gone. That is how I feel about sitting around doing nothing except laundry and contemplating grocery shopping, weird.
The wonderful girls from bible college go home to the East Coast today. Their Besties from the Westies are taking them out for one last Cali breakfast burrito before they take them to the airport. I'm so glad I got a chance to meet Tif, Steph, and Hannah. They are truly sweet, wonderful, and caring girls and I can easily see how Donna, Heather, and Lauren became so close to them while in York. It's more than the bible college experience, they will be life-long friends.
So yep, those are some of the thoughts rattling around in my teeny cranium today. That and how gracious God is to me, the blessings He pours out on me like a flowing river, washing away the trial and the angst of the weeks grinding labor to sit here and enjoy this beautiful day knowing how loved I am by Him. Thank you God, I think you are pretty cool Yourself!
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