The father of a friend of mind who has been in home hospice from cancer passed away today. In the beginning they were hopeful that the chemo and radiation would reduce the tumor so that they could remove it from his brain. She sent me a text this evening to let me know that he had passed and asked me to pray for him.
I thought to myself that praying for him now is an exercise in futility. What will happen has already transpired. I don't know if he was saved, I'm pretty sure he was a Catholic, but I'm not positive if he wasn't born again. Either way, I prayed for him, God rest his soul and the rest of my prayers went out to my friend and her family, those left in the wake of the loss.
Home hospice and cancer are something I have a certain expertise in. And the news that her dad had passed flooded me with the memories of my mom's bout with, and ultimate loss to, cancer. She was saved, so I will see her again, some day. But the hard part of this particular journey is getting through the aftermath of their death. It's a selfish emotion to want them to stay here, to remain with us when every breath is painful and death is blessed release.
God help me, I still sometimes wish Mom was still with us. But hey, if you are gonna dream, dream big, I'd want her to be healed too. I miss her so fiercely right now, it's almost as if her death was recent instead of nearly 18 years ago. My heart is in a hard little knot, squeezed down, compressed into a diamond of pain. And just like a diamond, the pain of losing her even yet is just as brilliant and capable of cutting glass.
I think of all of the wonderful things my children have not been able to experience with her. How she never got to be there for the milestones in their lives. It makes my eyes flood with tears just thinking of her. Normally I'm okay but this has really taken a hold of me.
I am so very grateful that I have Christ to comfort me now as I did then. And I know that the pain I experienced from losing Mom will help me to be better at comforting my friend, knowing what awaits her. The Romans 8:28 deal is in effect. So as selfish as this may sound, please pray for me as well for my friend that I would have the words to comfort her. And to help me with my own broken heart.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Okay I lied
I am going to write more. I am going through a transition right now, aren't we all though? I get glimpses in the dark, a glimpse of a glimmer of light, far off in the distance. It's God trying to tell me to let go and trust Him. You know, the Guy who created the Heavens and the Earth? The Guy who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. The Guy who designed Les for me and me for Les just so we could have these incredibly wonderful women, Donna and Jo.
Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think? Wait, what? I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me? Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?
Awright, I'll give it a whirl. But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes. Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.
Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think? Wait, what? I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me? Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?
Awright, I'll give it a whirl. But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes. Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.
A promise to post
I'm not considering this as an actual post, just a promise to post for Donna.
Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.
But I will, I promise.
Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.
But I will, I promise.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Let see if anyone reads this stuff
So ya, it's been raining here - a lot! I know the rainy season officially starts in October but really? 2 inches yesterday, that's like what, almost a fifth of what we need for the whole year? Crazy.
On to a new topic, we are now in the busy portion of the year in my household. It starts with the new school year and just picks up speed from there. Halloween is almost here, total non thing in my house but most everyone else is jazzed. I'm keeping my eye on the true prize, Christmas. It's not the presents or the food, it's how people are motivated to do simple acts of kindness just because a season. I do it because, well, it's my thing, a year 'round thing. I like to hold doors open for people and do random acts of kindness, it's how I do. But for others, they save it all up for Christmas time. They give of themselves, they give their time, they smile more. There are those who hate the holidays, it depresses them and reminds them of what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do. Regardless, I pray for all of those who don't know Jesus or why there is such a fuss about the whole thing. That this would be the time they are saved or the seed of their salvation is planted.
Okay, I'm a liar, I do like the cooking, the endless planning of recipes that won't be made because my family is rather OCD about what they eat during the holiday meals. It makes it easy to plan, but BORING for me. I can't properly try out new things if they must have the same old traditional food I've always made. Maybe I should start making new stuff and just have people over to eat it. I'd get my ya-ya's out cooking new stuff the fam would NEVER dream of eating and it would all be consumed so that I'm not eating it all. Like some really cute cupcakes I saw for Halloween. Those I'll make for work.
Anyway, time to go, it's bed time and I'm still typing away. Okay, I wonder who will read this blog first.
On to a new topic, we are now in the busy portion of the year in my household. It starts with the new school year and just picks up speed from there. Halloween is almost here, total non thing in my house but most everyone else is jazzed. I'm keeping my eye on the true prize, Christmas. It's not the presents or the food, it's how people are motivated to do simple acts of kindness just because a season. I do it because, well, it's my thing, a year 'round thing. I like to hold doors open for people and do random acts of kindness, it's how I do. But for others, they save it all up for Christmas time. They give of themselves, they give their time, they smile more. There are those who hate the holidays, it depresses them and reminds them of what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do. Regardless, I pray for all of those who don't know Jesus or why there is such a fuss about the whole thing. That this would be the time they are saved or the seed of their salvation is planted.
Okay, I'm a liar, I do like the cooking, the endless planning of recipes that won't be made because my family is rather OCD about what they eat during the holiday meals. It makes it easy to plan, but BORING for me. I can't properly try out new things if they must have the same old traditional food I've always made. Maybe I should start making new stuff and just have people over to eat it. I'd get my ya-ya's out cooking new stuff the fam would NEVER dream of eating and it would all be consumed so that I'm not eating it all. Like some really cute cupcakes I saw for Halloween. Those I'll make for work.
Anyway, time to go, it's bed time and I'm still typing away. Okay, I wonder who will read this blog first.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It's time
'Nuf said.
So Les and I were supposed to take a road trip to N.D. to go to the Slagle family reunion, but we suffered a temporary reversal of fortune (ie: the minivan had to have all four tires replaced, our over the stove microwave died, we need to replace our furnace before the winter rush-also dead, and there are the start of the fall semester costs for lil Miss Jobee). So we will be taking a much shorter, cheaper trip up the coast on the Pacific Coast Highway to SF for about 4 or 5 days then some staycationing around SD.
Either way it will be the first vacation for us in 3 years at all and the first road trip Les and I have taken since our 20th anniversary (if you wanna call a weekend in Vegas in 2004 a true road trip) before that it was 1985. Regardless, I'm pretty psyched about it, I must say!
We need to get our plans together, figure out where we would like to visit on the way back down, pack the camera and get the cooler of tasty road treats ready to go. It will be nice spending some quality time with my honey, just the two of us, like the true honeymoon we never had (the first one was 2 nights and 3 days in Julian, it was only romantic because of who I was with.
Anyway, sorry for the long drawn out dry spell, I'll try to write more often in the future. I'll post pictures of our travels and fun when I get back.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Okay
It has been a long while since I posted. I go through spurts and spates of blogging then POOF! vanish for a while. I get too wrapped up in my workaday life sometimes to remember there is a time for this to happen. For me to put thought to...computer? Anyway, time slips away, water goes down the drain (as does money) and things exist no more.
Lots goes on but is any of it really important in the longterm scheme of things. All that really matters is God's unending love for us and Jesus' unending sacrifice for us. My focus is not to be on my day to day yada yada life. My focus is to listen to what it is God wants me to do, in every moment. I'd like to say that I'm a laser beam of focus for Him, but that would be a whopper even I would have a hard time keeping a straight face saying.
Donna recently wrote that to read the bible and pray, the ever present mantra of Christianity was something she (we) should be doing. Like breathing or blinking, as in, how can you stop doing it? I always find time to eat, sleep, watch shows on the computer (I spend way too much time on the computer truth be told), so why not read the bible, why not spend quiet time before my Creator?
Because it takes no time to be brain dead, looking at images on a electronic screen, reading about the lives of those around me living their lives. Being quiet before God, waiting for Him to speak to me, that would take dedication. But isn't that what we are called to do, dedicate our lives to Him? Why is it so difficult to do this? Why do I let so many other things distract me instead of allowing myself to be immersed in Him.
I wish I knew. So I go back to working hard at shutting out the other things of this world that pull me away from Him and attempt yet again to make Him my first priority, not my last. He gets in my face all the time and I don't even recognize it when He does because I'm so wrapped up in my life to clearly see Him.
God, please help me to be sensitive to You and Your wants and desires. It isn't that you don't make them plain, I'm just so used to shutting them out that I can't see beyond my own nose. Bring my focus out of me and onto You. You are the only one worthy of it, nothing and no one else.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I had no idea
Man, I had no idea just how rough things could be in one day. It was like one of those terrible day comedies, except no one was laughing.
1)Dru got loose yesterday, the fence between the street and the dog run blew open just enough for her to easily walk out, and she did, sometime between 1pm and 3:45pm. We scoured the surrounding neighborhood(s) and checked the major streets, no Dru. So we called the animal shelter, no dog with her description was there, but they told us to keep checking their online site, that they update frequently throughout the day.
2)Les and I were supposed to lead our small group yesterday and we were just sitting down to do the study (don't judge) when he received a call. Apparently they had a maintenance guy in to do some work who comes in infrequently. At the end of the day he was still working, but they forgot about him and locked him into the compound. Les' number is the only contact he had. So Les had to drive all the way out to North Island on Coronado to let him out, then back home in the rush hour, in the dark, and in the crazy rains.
3)Jo got home while Les was doing his rescue mission and had lost her phone at the trolley, she had already gone back to check, no dice. So she tried to call the cell several times and there was no answer, of course. Her only option, get a new phone, but since she needed either Les or I to be there do this, I was up to bat. Luckily it was past time for her to upgrade her phone, so it only cost an arm and not the leg frequently used to accessorize it so nicely.
So we got home, Les got home, Chris and Jo went out and brought home pizza for dinner, but still no Dru. I worried all night and checked the animal shelter site first thing when I woke up, still no picture of Dru. Told my tale of woe to my cohorts and cronies at work then I checked midway through the morning, no Dru. After lunch I checked again, this time I gave the spots that said "no picture yet" a click. Lo and behold, under each of those spots were sketchy details of dogs that had been picked up. One of them sounded like Dru, from our zip code. So I called and after much automated question answering I got a live person and the answer I had been hoping for. Dru was there, the lojack we had installed in her as pup had paid off, I knew FOR SURE it was her.
Les went and got her after he got off work, paid all the fees for licensing, kenneling, and shots and finally she was free from the doggie pokie. I've spent the better part of the evening petting and loving on her. I made a promise to myself that if she made it home, I was going to love her wholeheartedly. I've been very careful for these past 9 years not to get close to Dru or Angel. And now that Angel is gone, Dru is the only one left. It's painful if you give your heart with abandon to the dog and they pass, and it hurts just as much when you try not to. So I'm giving her all I have, with the fore knowledge that it's gonna hurt like hell when she passes. But at least she'll have had all of the love I have to give her before she goes.
It was a rough day, being sick, the drama of the lost phone, failure of leading the small group, the agony of worrying about the lost pooper, and the scary wind and rain. But Jesus heard my prayers and looked after our silly dog, made a painful purchase not so painful. And now I know Les is praying too, He let Les off of the hook for leading group! Well played sir, well played.
Thank you Father for taking a day filled will frustration and heartache and turning it into something that brings my eyes and my thoughts to you. Thank you for bringing Dru home and easing my mind. Thank you for your abundant love and grace, I surely don't deserve it, but appreciate it nonetheless. ~Amen
1)Dru got loose yesterday, the fence between the street and the dog run blew open just enough for her to easily walk out, and she did, sometime between 1pm and 3:45pm. We scoured the surrounding neighborhood(s) and checked the major streets, no Dru. So we called the animal shelter, no dog with her description was there, but they told us to keep checking their online site, that they update frequently throughout the day.
2)Les and I were supposed to lead our small group yesterday and we were just sitting down to do the study (don't judge) when he received a call. Apparently they had a maintenance guy in to do some work who comes in infrequently. At the end of the day he was still working, but they forgot about him and locked him into the compound. Les' number is the only contact he had. So Les had to drive all the way out to North Island on Coronado to let him out, then back home in the rush hour, in the dark, and in the crazy rains.
3)Jo got home while Les was doing his rescue mission and had lost her phone at the trolley, she had already gone back to check, no dice. So she tried to call the cell several times and there was no answer, of course. Her only option, get a new phone, but since she needed either Les or I to be there do this, I was up to bat. Luckily it was past time for her to upgrade her phone, so it only cost an arm and not the leg frequently used to accessorize it so nicely.
So we got home, Les got home, Chris and Jo went out and brought home pizza for dinner, but still no Dru. I worried all night and checked the animal shelter site first thing when I woke up, still no picture of Dru. Told my tale of woe to my cohorts and cronies at work then I checked midway through the morning, no Dru. After lunch I checked again, this time I gave the spots that said "no picture yet" a click. Lo and behold, under each of those spots were sketchy details of dogs that had been picked up. One of them sounded like Dru, from our zip code. So I called and after much automated question answering I got a live person and the answer I had been hoping for. Dru was there, the lojack we had installed in her as pup had paid off, I knew FOR SURE it was her.
Les went and got her after he got off work, paid all the fees for licensing, kenneling, and shots and finally she was free from the doggie pokie. I've spent the better part of the evening petting and loving on her. I made a promise to myself that if she made it home, I was going to love her wholeheartedly. I've been very careful for these past 9 years not to get close to Dru or Angel. And now that Angel is gone, Dru is the only one left. It's painful if you give your heart with abandon to the dog and they pass, and it hurts just as much when you try not to. So I'm giving her all I have, with the fore knowledge that it's gonna hurt like hell when she passes. But at least she'll have had all of the love I have to give her before she goes.
It was a rough day, being sick, the drama of the lost phone, failure of leading the small group, the agony of worrying about the lost pooper, and the scary wind and rain. But Jesus heard my prayers and looked after our silly dog, made a painful purchase not so painful. And now I know Les is praying too, He let Les off of the hook for leading group! Well played sir, well played.
Thank you Father for taking a day filled will frustration and heartache and turning it into something that brings my eyes and my thoughts to you. Thank you for bringing Dru home and easing my mind. Thank you for your abundant love and grace, I surely don't deserve it, but appreciate it nonetheless. ~Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)