Thoughts of them leaving

Why is this so hard for me?  When I think about Donna and Aaron going to Germany permanently all I can do is feel, not think, at least not coherently. It's all emotion and tears, if I let it get that far.  I really try not to bring that thought up at all because when I do my eyes fill with tears and my chest starts to ache.  

Why can't I just be happy that they are doing something amazing?  My head wants to tell them words of encouragement and that I'm so proud of them.  That God had such incredible plans for them over in Germany and that they will bless others greatly and in turn He will bless them even more.

But I can't verbalize that because I guess that means I'm giving them my blessing, that it is okay to go across continents to live possibly for the rest of their lives.  And I just can't do that, it is so incredibly not.  I can't say that I'm okay with them never living at least near enough to me for it to be a relatively short plane ride away.  

It's more than me missing them (which is plenty, trust me).  It's seeing my dream of being a grandma that is close to my grandchildren burn and turn to ash before my very eyes.  It's been my life long dream, THE DREAM.   My dream to have if not daily contact with my grandkids, then at least weekly.  To watch them grow up and to not miss a bit of it.  And now I see it going up in a puff of smoke.

I'll be a stranger to them, they'll know that they have a grandma and grandpa that live in California in the US and that we live far, far away.  That we love them but just can't be near them.  They will know this because their parents will them them this and only because of that.  There will be no quiet times in the morning when they wake up and climb into my lap for me to cuddle them, inhale their sweet fragrance, and talk to them like I did their mom.  My heart breaks just writing this.

Just a short one

I've thought about blogging off and on and always opt not to.  I'm either in a hurry or simply lack the desire to put my lame thoughts down for all to see.  But I'd better get back into the habit of it again as I'm pretty sure Donna and Aaron are going to go to live in Germany for at least a year or two (or more).

I'm stymied, I have no idea what to do with this situation.  I know it is God's will, but I don't particularly like it.  At least this time I'm not actively praying for it not to happen, a futile effort, at best.  I just pray that God helps me through this, to figure out what I need to do to keep me sane.  All I have are great big hairy question marks at this time.  I can't figure out why my kid has to keep moving farther and farther away from me.

Well, now you know why I don't blog very often.

Old memories etched deeply

The father of a friend of mind who has been in home hospice from cancer passed away today.  In the beginning they were hopeful that the chemo and radiation would reduce the tumor so that they could remove it from his brain.  She sent me a text this evening to let me know that he had passed and asked me to pray for him.

I thought to myself that praying for him now is an exercise in futility.  What will happen has already transpired.  I don't know if he was saved, I'm pretty sure he was a Catholic, but I'm not positive if he wasn't born again.  Either way, I prayed for him, God rest his soul and the rest of my prayers went out to my friend and her family, those left in the wake of the loss.

Home hospice and cancer are something I have a certain expertise in.  And the news that her dad had passed flooded me with the memories of my mom's bout with, and ultimate loss to, cancer.  She was saved, so I will see her again, some day.  But the hard part of this particular journey is getting through the aftermath of their death.  It's a selfish emotion to want them to stay here, to remain with us when every breath is painful and death is blessed release.

God help me, I still sometimes wish Mom was still with us.  But hey, if you are gonna dream, dream big, I'd want her to be healed too.  I miss her so fiercely right now, it's almost as if her death was recent instead of nearly 18 years ago.  My heart is in a hard little knot, squeezed down, compressed into a diamond of pain.  And just like a diamond, the pain of losing her even yet is just as brilliant and capable of cutting glass.

I think of all of the wonderful things my children have not been able to experience with her.  How she never got to be there for the milestones in their lives. It makes my eyes flood with tears just thinking of her.  Normally I'm okay but this has really taken a hold of me.

I am so very grateful that I have Christ to comfort me now as I did then.  And I know that the pain I experienced from losing Mom will help me to be better at comforting my friend, knowing what awaits her.  The Romans 8:28 deal is in effect.  So as selfish as this may sound, please pray for me as well for my friend that I would have the words to comfort her.  And to help me with my own broken heart.

Okay I lied

I am going to write more.  I am going through a transition right now, aren't we all though?  I get glimpses in the dark, a glimpse of a glimmer of light, far off in the distance.  It's God trying to tell me to let go and trust Him.  You know, the Guy who created the Heavens and the Earth?  The Guy who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb.  The Guy who designed Les for me and me for Les just so we could have these incredibly wonderful women, Donna and Jo.

Ya, I think it might be risky trusting a shady guy like that, dontcha think?  Wait, what?  I'm supposed to trust Him? Because He only wants what's best for me?  Because by trusting Him my life will be richer, fuller, and utterly blessed, no matter what goes down, as long as I keep my eyes on Him?

Awright, I'll give it a whirl.  But just to keep this straight, I'm liable to snatch control back whenever the mood strikes.  Unfortunately, that's just how I roll...but I'm workin' on it.

A promise to post

I'm not considering this as an actual post, just a promise to post for Donna.

Bun, I will post soon, but I gotta go to bed soon and I wanna read your posts first.

But I will, I promise.

Let see if anyone reads this stuff

So ya, it's been raining here - a lot!  I know the rainy season officially starts in October but really?  2 inches yesterday, that's like what, almost a fifth of what we need for the whole year?  Crazy.

On to a new topic, we are now in the busy portion of the year in my household.  It starts with the new school year and just picks up speed from there.  Halloween is almost here, total non thing in my house but most everyone else is jazzed.  I'm keeping my eye on the true prize, Christmas.  It's not the presents or the food, it's how people are motivated to do simple acts of kindness just because a season.  I do it because, well, it's my thing, a year 'round thing.  I like to hold doors open for people and do random acts of kindness, it's how I do.  But for others, they save it all up for Christmas time.  They give of themselves, they give their time, they smile more.  There are those who hate the holidays, it depresses them and reminds them of what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do.  Regardless, I pray for all of those who don't know Jesus or why there is such a fuss about the whole thing.  That this would be the time they are saved or the seed of their salvation is planted.

Okay, I'm a liar, I do like the cooking, the endless planning of recipes that won't be made because my family is rather OCD about what they eat during the holiday meals.  It makes it easy to plan, but BORING for me.  I can't properly try out new things if they must have the same old traditional food I've always made.  Maybe I should start making new stuff and just have people over to eat it.  I'd get my ya-ya's out cooking new stuff the fam would NEVER dream of eating and it would all be consumed so that I'm not eating it all.  Like some really cute cupcakes I saw for Halloween.  Those I'll make for work.

Anyway, time to go, it's bed time and I'm still typing away.  Okay, I wonder who will read this blog first.

It's time

'Nuf said.

So Les and I were supposed to take a road trip to N.D. to go to the Slagle family reunion, but we suffered a temporary reversal of fortune (ie: the minivan had to have all four tires replaced, our over the stove microwave died, we need to replace our furnace before the winter rush-also dead, and there are the start of the fall semester costs for lil Miss Jobee). So we will be taking a much shorter, cheaper trip up the coast on the Pacific Coast Highway to SF for about 4 or 5 days then some staycationing around SD.

Either way it will be the first vacation for us in 3 years at all and the first road trip Les and I have taken since our 20th anniversary (if you wanna call a weekend in Vegas in 2004 a true road trip) before that it was 1985. Regardless, I'm pretty psyched about it, I must say!

We need to get our plans together, figure out where we would like to visit on the way back down, pack the camera and get the cooler of tasty road treats ready to go. It will be nice spending some quality time with my honey, just the two of us, like the true honeymoon we never had (the first one was 2 nights and 3 days in Julian, it was only romantic because of who I was with.

Anyway, sorry for the long drawn out dry spell, I'll try to write more often in the future. I'll post pictures of our travels and fun when I get back.