Day 1 of my Bantu Death Wait/JK

Donna knows what this means, girls. Just ask her after she quits laughing.

So yesterday was one of the toughest days I've ever endured in my life. Now, to understand the tough day standings in the world of Mama J, let me explain. I've lived through these people dying; starting with the first one passing away when I was 9 yrs. old, in chronological order: my grandpa (paternal), father, sister, grandma (paternal), uncle/aunt/uncle (within 3 months of each other), grandpa (maternal), mother, and grandma (maternal), the last one died when I was 35. Let me tell you in all honesty, Donna's leaving was just as painful as any of those deaths, at least it was during yesterday.

I finally made a deal with God yesterday, late afternoon. Here's how it went, it's rather complicated so stay with me. Okay, ya ready? Okay, so God would let me be numb, not feel anything, so I could stop crying and what I would bring to the table was that I'd keep breathing. God took the deal and I kept my side of the bargain. I'm thinking God made out on this one. Not that I had intended on ending my life, it just hurt to exist and still does off and on throughout the day.

Today I woke up to my alarm ringing and instantly realized I had NOT received the promised call around 2 am letting me know they had arrived in England. 'So roight, I'll call her. Ummm, her phone is going straight to voice mail. Okay, now I go straight to panic mode. I'm on the computer checking out the American Airlines site to see if the plane landed or crashed. Donna called while I was in the process. All of the sudden my heart could slow and begin to beat normally; my baby girl is safe.

My day started rough at work, only because I was still so very rung out from yesterday's cryathon. Trepidatiously, I'm thinking I might make it, lest I get too confident. Since first contact this morning, Donna has called once more and texted me as well. I'll be talking through Skype with her my tonight/her morning.

While it is not all sunshine and butterflies today, I can at least talk about the whole thing with out bursting into tears. The tears are there, but I am able to keep them at bay. Yesterday, fugidaboudit, I couldn't go more than five minutes without crying-until I made my deal with God. And oh yes, I had been praying/begging for His/Jesus/Holy Ghost's help, mercy, grace, you name it, I asked for that type of help. God enjoys a good covenant and that one was a sure thing.

So, tomorrow I'll wake up, remember Donna's gone, hopefully only feel sad, maybe cry. But I know that I can make it as long as I pray and hold my breath. Okay, maybe not hold my breath, but deep breathing is definitely NOT on the menu for the next four months!

Father God,

I'm so glad I have You to lean on and to rely on. Please forgive anything that might have offended You during my story time, it was not my intent. I praise You and thank You for Your grace and mercy.

I love You Poppa God,

Amen